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A More Personal Cutting

Cutting has always been something that I've enjoyed; yet never really had out in the open due to the taboo that goes along with the idea of self injury. I used to cut out of depression and sadness, but over the years I've advanced to cutting for the beauty of scars. To date, I have four "real" scars. When I say real, I mean scars that have a design to them, not just random cuts that form nothing. To me, scars are something that are very beautiful and have personal meanings and stories.  

My tool of choice is the Lance disposable scalpel #15, which is sold in the BMEshop. They are very inexpensive, great quality, and give awesome results. I however don't recommend these for everyone due to the fact that they cut VERY easy, and if you go at it too fast or too hard, it would most likely require medical help. You just have to have a steady hand and a level head (well, as level as possible). 

My story begins back about six months ago when I started doodling the same design all over every piece of paper I could get my hands on. It was rather simple; just three straight vertical lines, the middle being the tallest, and the side two being the same height, then under each line a small X. To me, the lines stood for the three most important opinions in my life. The shorter side lines symbolize my friends and family, and the middle tall one is me, showing my opinion of myself is the one that matters most. Then the three X's stood for my straight edge beliefs. It's a very simple design, yet has lots of personal meaning.  

After about three months of doodling this design on all my papers and notebooks, I decided to take it to the next level and flirt with the idea of making this a permanent part of my body. After giving it much consideration, I decided it was a worthy design and that it would be there as a constant reminder of what I believe in. Next came the decision of the placement. I didn't want to put it anywhere that is highly visible to any Joe Blow walking down the street, yet I wanted to have it somewhere that if I wanted, I could show it to people if I knew they would react with positive feedback. After much consideration, I came up with the idea to place it on my chest, between my breasts. Now that I had all that worked out, I could finally perform the cutting.  

One night when I was sitting around, I decided it was time to do it. I got all my supplies ready, including LOTS of paper towels for blood since I knew from previous experiences, I am a heavy bleeder. I marked the design out and stared at it in the mirror for a good half hour making sure everything was straight and in proportion to each other. Once everything looked perfect to me, I got the blade out and started cutting. I decided to do the X's first just because they would be more complicated and I wanted to do that first.

The first X was the most complicated because I couldn't decide what the best way to hold the scalpel was. Once I got the first one done, everything was smooth sailing. Of the three, the middle one hurt the worst, but I think that was because I went the deepest with that one, nothing severe however. After doing the X's I moved on to the lines. Pretty simple and easy. By the time I reached the final line, my skin had begun to swell more and it getting hard to see what I was doing with all the blood in the way. All in all, this cutting was pretty simple and easy to accomplish. I am very happy with the end results.

It's about three months later and the scar has settled down. The main problem I had with healing was the fact that the placement is right where the front of my bra sits and the constant rubbing prolonged the healing, but I do believe it made the scar darker and stand out more. Not many people know about this scar, which I like because it makes it more personal and symbolic to me. Every morning when I get out of the shower I see it and those three red X's and lines remind me of who I am and what I stand for. It is a very important part of my body and I do not regret a single thing about it.

CAUTION: In this experience, I do not mean to glorify cutting or any other dangerous acts. Do not attempt anything like this unless you know what you are doing. I am not a professional, but I do have somewhat of a grasp of what to do and not to do. If you want to do something along these lines, please talk to someone with experience and have him or her guide you in the right path. Have a safe and happy cutting!

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submitted by: Anonymous
on: 05 Nov. 2005
in Ritual

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