• 1,385,155 / 1,385,155
  • 10,233 / 10,233
  • 54,915 / 54,915

And I flew

I want to fly. I have flown. And I want to do it again. And again. And again.

My drugs of choice are adrenaline and endorphins. There's nothing like Fight or Flight.

Most of the activities I enjoy in my free time involve some type of competition. Maybe competition isn't the best way to say it, but I'm not sure what is. I push my body until it can't go. I get off on not knowing when I might physically reach my limit and have to use my mind to push further. The only real competition is the physical me versus mental me.

For a long time BDSM was my drug of choice. Being strung up and whipped until my mind was so far gone that I couldn't form words was the best Saturday night I could think of. Having 10 gauge needles stuck thorough my chest and then beat on with canes was a perfectly acceptable Sunday afternoon. However, the next day I would always feel empty. I would scream and scream and cry and bleed, but it still was not what I needed. Don't think I don't still love all of the above activities, but there is an element I don't get from them.

The first time I saw a flesh suspension picture was on BME when I was roughly 15. It was, and still is, the most beautiful thing I could think to do to the human body. I wanted it. Right then. No questions asked. Gimme. Luckily I was 15. Being 15 no one is going to just throw hooks in you and string you from the closest tree. So I resigned myself to wait until I was 18.

Eighteen came and went, but still no suspension. I had long outgrown the self mutilation and entered into piercing and tattoos. Still I was not getting where I needed to be. I was pierced time and again. In any place I could think that would be painful in the way I needed it to be, but to no avail.

In the meantime, my spirituality started to "get in the way". Was a suspension going to take me to a spiritual realm where I would be free? Is the physical pain allowing me to atone for my "sins"? Can the body be used to release the spirit? So all this is running around in my brain with the craving for more. To push harder, faster, farther. More endorphins. More adrenaline. Just more.

Then the opportunity presented itself.

A suspension team started up in my area and they needed a place to hang. At the time I was living at the local "dungeon" and BDSM people get along well with body mod people so the owner said that they were welcome to pull and hang on the property. HURRAY! But I still had to wait...My "owner" wasn't going to be in town for the first meet up so I had to watch from the sidelines.

I was 23 before I finally hung. It was in the field of the dungeon from a tree with a light mist in the air. While the hooks were going in I was screaming and crying and scaring all the people who didn't understand that I was going to fly... I was flying... I was going to continue flying... My face was buried in the stomach of the House Mistress while poor Erin sunk hook after hook, 6 in all, into my back for a suicide that really only required 4 hooks. What can I say? I'm a pain slut.

In all honesty, by the time the second hook went in, I was gone. My mind racing as the chemicals I crave coursed through my body making me shake and my eyes roll back in my head. Getting rigged to the tree is a blur. The next thing I can remember is saying "Just breathe." I Looked up after that and there was no sound other than nature, but I was nature. I was everywhere. I was EVERYTHING and nothing. I was beautiful. I just was. And I laughed.

And I flew.

After playing a dried bean tambourine for a bit I came down. Erin lowered my body back to the ground and then I spent the next few days bringing my mind back to my body. At the time, I could not have told you anything about how she worked the air out of my back or how I refused to let her take the hooks out. Since then, however, I have gone up a few times and I know the routine.

Suspension has filled 2 voids in my life. Spiritually I am stringer than ever. My beliefs are validated every time I smell the Technicare on my back and see the hooks on the tray. More importantly, I can fly. There is no way to explain flight. When I try to come up with the words, my eyes well up and people think I'm upset. In some way, I guess I am. I can't show people the feeling I get. I can't bring to them the peace and joy and ecstasy I feel. But I can encourage them to open their minds and close their eyes and join their minds and bodies as one.


submitted by: b16aGirl
on: 07 May 2005
in Ritual

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Artist: onefemmeboy
Studio: +
Location: Raleigh%2C+NC

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