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Rebirth Through My Suicide

My suspension story starts out it seems just as every other one on here does. Had a not-so-great childhood and went through a lot of not-so-great experiences and I became a cutter. It was my way of dealing with the stress of everyday life. Little scratches here and there usually did the the trick but after 16 years of bottling everything up. I found my way of refocusing all my stress and anger. I found piercings. My mom signed for me to get my navel done when I was 16 and I became hooked (literally) soon after.

Anyhow, cut to the chase...Two years and 34 piercings later, I get a piercing apprenticeship under one of the founders of the local suspension group D.E.E.P. I'd been to a few of their shows and had befriended a few people who were involved in the group, and a couple months later I got my invitation to one of the "play dates". The actual meeting was about a week away so I had time to gather myself and get ready for my most extreme experience thus far. I believe the day of the meeting was October 3rd, 2004, and after a week of anxiousness and anticipation (and a pretty big fight with my mom that resulted in me moving out) I decided that I was tired of making up lame excuses for the lines on my arms. I decided that I didn't like how cutting made me feel anymore and that my suspension would be the release of 18 years worth of pain.

The day came, and I was nervous from the time I got up in the morning until I walked through the doors of the tattoo shop where the meeting and play dates were held. I called my best friends Tobias and Nicole to be my support group. They knew most of what went on with me and I trusted them to help me through such and extreme ordeal. The meeting was called to order and we all introduced ourselves and stated what we were there for and what our intent was. The very cool people, Chad (my mentor) and Anna (one of the tattoo artists of the shop we were in), demonstrated some rebar bending, and we all got down to business. A bunch of people got their hooks thrown before I got my turn. I asked Chad and Arik, another piercer at the shop I worked at, to throw my hooks for me. They both agreed and I was ushered up to the hooking chair. I straddled it and Chad started prepping me. After my lines were drawn across my shoulders, I leaned forward against the back of the chair, and grabbed ahold of my friends' hands. Chad and Arik started pinching up my skin and once they were set Chad asked if I wanted one breath or two. I chose to take one breath, and on the exhale the sharpest pinch came through my skin followed by the worst burn I'd ever felt in my life. Two down, four more to go. I started crying on the second set of hooks even though they really didn't hurt all that bad. Walking around with the hooks in and clinking together was more uncomfortable than anything.

I got rigged up and Chad held my hands while I started pulling on the hooks. Very slowly, I was taken up. Just a few notches at a time, and the more they pulled the more I felt the pain I needed to release rise. I spent a couple of minutes on the tips of my toes, reliving a lot of the bad memories I had, when I heard Anna say "This is the worst place you can be. Just let go." So I did. I told them to take me up. I picked my feet up off the ground and screamed as everything bad felt like it got sucked out of me. I didn't stay up more than a minute, but it was enough. I was let down to the ground where I just sat there on my knees and cried. I sat there for probably 15 minutes. Finally, I got my hooks taken out and sat to reflect. It turns out that a few of my hooks hadn't been placed deep enough (I had to stop twice because my left side felt weird) so my weight wasn't distributed well. I remember the moment my feet left the ground I didn't feel a thing but I could see everything that was going on, like I was across the room in a corner. I understand how people can get spiritual meaning from being suspended. It was so incredibly intense, I can't find the words to really describe it.

Suspensions aren't something I want to do everytime the group meets. I want to save that for major happenings. I still go participate. I've been doing great since that night. I told myself that was the last "bad" self inflicted pain I would put upon myself and thats exactly how its been. I have no urges to cut at all anymore, but, of course, I still get the occasional itch for a new piercing.


submitted by: per4ated_life
on: 10 Jan. 2005
in Ritual

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Artist: D.E.E.P+Suspension+Group
Studio: local+shop
Location: Joplin%2C+Missouri

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