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Growing Up Enough To Find My Way Home.

I have been visiting BME's site since 1999. It all started at 14, with the addition of a shiny metal bar through my tongue. And ended up becoming so much more than I would have ever perceived it could be.

Quickly my life revolved around body modification. Over ten piercings, and two tattoos later I realized that it was more to me than just a fad or a trend. It was a lifestyle. The addition of IAM, and then moving to Toronto finally being able to attend a few BBQ's and events only strengthened my beliefs and pulled me further into this lifestyle. But I was young, and realized I had alot in life that I needed to experience before setting down my roots, not to mention alot of growing up to do. So in 2003 I deleted my IAM page and came to the conclusion I needed to take a few steps back for awhile. I had already taken out my septum ring. And in the back of my mind the much needed break had been on the horizon for awhile.

Over the past few years visited the BME page maybe a handful of times. And had lost touch with almost all the people I had gained such amazing friendships with through IAM. Along with that I slowly started to conform to societies ideals of what is normal, and acceptable. The pink hair appeared less frequent, my septum ring was already long gone, and I started working at a salon in Toronto which lead me to remove my lip ring due to a comment my boss made about how people would take me more seriously as a stylist without it. I felt like a sell out.

I also did not have much contact with other people who were into body modification, and often found myself having to defend my reasoning behind my tattoos and piercings, along with my wanting to eventually do a superman suspension. Or in some cases when I realized it was pointless to try and help them understand, biting my tongue. When it came to my knowledge and enjoyment of the body modification world I felt isolated.

The only piercing I had left, aside from the bottom of my navel, was my venom tongue rings. My pride and joy. The only thing that I felt kept me connected to the old me I had left behind in this quest to find myself. And early this summer I was forced to take them out for some dental work that I needed to get done, only to not be able to get them in afterwards. I almost cried. I never expected to have such a strong attachment to two metal bars through my tongue, a piece of me felt like it was missing without them. They represented, and marked one of the biggest changes I had to experience in my whole life (moving from Saskatchewan to Ontario). And now they were gone. I looked into the mirror and saw a carbon copy image of what was standardly acceptable.

Even though I had not been pierced or tattooed in a few years the craving never left me. And I was always drawing up plans for future tattoos. And slowly, over this past year I have realised that growing up and finding myself was never about conforming, but about being able to just be yourself, and being happy with that no matter what anyone else thinks about that.

Coming back to BME was akward at first. I started frequenting the pages again, looking at the pictures, reading the experiences. It felt like I had been gone forever. Reading through the old experiences I had written was a big eye opener in how far I had come since being that 14 year old girl who wanted her tongue pierced because it was cool. And seeing some of the old pictures from past events made me realise how much I missed being around people who were like me, and how many friendships I had put on hold, but also reminded me of the few friendships that have continued to grow stronger throughout the years, and all of it started with a simple website, which grew into a comunity, that became almost like a second family of sorts for so many people including myself.

So many small things kept pointing me back to this direction. A few random emails. And a message on MSN from a friend on IAM who I hadn't talked to in two years or so. I still put off getting an IAM membership, maybe because I was afraid to all of a sudden reappear because it had been so long and there have been so many changes, but Jason got me an account as an early birthday present and already I could not imagine leaving again. I feel like myself again. And the messages I got from a few people welcoming me back made me feel at home once again.

My hair is a somewhat normal color still. I doubt I will get many, if any facial piercings for the time being until I am settled in a career, but I have plans once again, along with the tattoos I have drawn over the past few years that read like a map back to myself. I have finally learned that growing up does not have to mean surrendering who you are.

BME will always be so much more to me than just a website. It feels like home.

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submitted by: Anonymous
on: 17 Nov. 2004
in Ritual

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