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Pain and Strength and Other Good Stuff.

Pain is a very personal and empowering sensation: For me, controlled pain, such as with play piercing or pulling, provides a sense of authority over the body, teaches mind control and encourages inner strength.

Putting oneself into a situation of doing a pull, suspension or even play piercing, is not a thing I  take lightly.  For me, it was very important to build up a sense of what I was in for, what it meant, and most importantly to understand WHY I  DO IT.  I've come across some people who perhaps don't have the best reasoning and I hate it when I get the sense that they are doing these things only to belong to a group, when there is so much more to be gained by practicing these rituals. 

I started off with having Orbax insert two hooks in my back, at home with no one around to watch, so that it was a very private experience.  The first time I felt a hook go through my back I was shocked.  It was an explosive, stabbing pain, very brief but enough to make me dizzy.  Afterwards I got a rush of happy-brain-chemicals that made the second one easier.   

The hooks were tied up to something sturdy, and sitting cross legged, I began to experiment with the sensation.  Pulling forward, I felt a burning, almost acidic feeling in my wounds.  It was very strange, and after a little while I decided I was finished.  I didn't pull very hard this first time, as I was still getting accustomed to the feelings, the endorphins that went on and on making me light, airy and happy, and the idea that, yes, there were big hooks in my back. 

However, I got a craving for it after that.  The second time, it came as a direct result of desiring a sense of grounding and needing to feel stabilized over my own life.  I was going through sort of a rough time, and for some unknown reason I suddenly realized that pulling would make me feel better.  (Play piercing by this time had become a little unsatisfying).  So again, the stabbing pain, although not so bad this time, and then the pulling and lightheadedness.  I pulled a little harder this time, went a little higher in my consciousness.  It was almost as if I were floating above my body.  The skin would stretch out a certain amount and then it no longer hurt or burned.  I just felt . . . nice.  In fact, so nice, I was hardly aware of my body or its pain at all.  At work for the next week or so, I could reach around once in a while and feel the achy spot where I'd been pierced, and feel strong.  It's a feeling of being able to handle just about anything, of being brave  enough to do it to yourself, and being able to come out of it feeling a little enlightened.  Pure strength. 

The third time was the charm, and what made me realize that I'll very soon be ready for suspending.  This time I pulled as hard as I could with no trepidation at all, I was full of complete happiness the whole time.  I did it for about 2 hours, but I didn't realize it because I had no sense of time.  I was complete contentment and joy.  It's that simple.  My soul was alive.  My body didn't exist, it seemed, and it had taken with it all the petty worries in my brain, the trappings of day to day life, the meager unhappiness.  I felt all glitter and soul and stars, (if that makes any sense!) And the feeling stuck with me well into the following day.  

Since that third time I've continued to pull when I feel the need, and it gets better every time.  It always gives me the same sense of freedom and letting go, of strength and control, and reminds me of who I am inside, no matter what is going on around me on the outside.  Suffice it to say, I'm eager and prepared to suspend and love every second of it. 

I believe I have found a special way to ground myself and become free from my mind without the use of drugs or alcohol or any other damaging behavior.  All that's damaged is some wee tiny scars on my back, and there's certainly no damage to anyone else, as there is with other alternatives for escape from your own brain and body. 

Altogether, I'm very glad to have built myself up to it slowly bit by bit, giving myself time to adjust to the sensations, the feelings, and my own reasons for why I do it.  Spreading it out over so long may not be the best way for everybody, but it was for me.


submitted by: Anonymous
on: 28 March 2004
in Ritual

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Artist: The+Great+ORBAX
Studio: Different+homes
Location: +

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