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Pulling, Transforming, and Shedding My Fear

This is taken from my Journal right after the event, and two updates there after. Though most who read this already know what a pulling is and who Fakir is, when I had written it, I was writing for those who might not be familiar with either. This was a whole new experience for me and until that day, I was unsure of what a pulling actually was.

The ritual took place Nov. 2nd 2002, at a BDSM convention called BR2002.

Journal entry:

This weekend, I had the pleasure of meeting Fakir Musafar. He is essentially one of the reasons why piercing is as acceptable as it is today. Yet while many do it for the fashion - he does it for the spirit. He believes in body manipulation to reach higher states of consciousness.

This weekend, he hosted a ritual. I can only describe it as sort of a modification of the Native American Sundance/Oh-kee-pa Ritual. Dancers were pierced with 12g needles on each side of their heart chakra, and had 11g hooks inserted.

They were partnered with handlers, who would make sure that they did not harm themselves by fainting, or wondering into something while in a trance state. The handler would also pull the rope attached to the hooks.

There was an audience, than formed a circle around the dancers. Sage was burned to cleans the area. The audience was greeted with the words, "Welcome home."

And there were drums...

I was a dancer. I wasn't pierced by Fakir but by an extreme Domme named Ms. Cynthia. She had crystal blue eyes that reached into me and made everything ok. The piercings hurt, but nothing worse than I had felt before during other modification experiences I have had.

However... When the hooks went in, I cried. No, not cry... I broke down. Completely lost it. Not from pain, but from release. All of this garbage, fear, hate, came pouring out.

When it had been purged, I entered a state of grace. I walked... no... floated to where I was to have the points of the hooks covered with corks, and the rope attached to my hooks.

My friend, a paramedic, did this for me. As he placed the rope over my head for safe keeping, he said to me, "You own this."

His words still echo in my head.

I proceeded to float to my friends, some waiting to be pierced, some already pierced. Words were not exchanged. There was no need for words. We were connected beyond that.

I can not tell you much more about the ritual... not in any great detail. I remember slipping in and out of conscious awareness at a few points.

I remember being frustrated at the inner uncertainty and awkwardness of my handler. I felt like I needed to handle him, and this took away from the experience. I could not let go the way I wanted, no, NEEDED to as long as he held the strings.

Eventually I had him stand behind me, and another dancer, and good friend of mine, Sarah J, held my rope while I held hers. She and I do not see each other enough, but trust in each other completely. It seems as though any time she and I are together, we bleed. (But that is another story about another mod.)

Another woman, author of one of my favorite adult how to books, Deborah Addington, joined us. She is a raven-haired tattooed pierced fanged Amazon, and she added an element of the feral to our energy.

We three made a circle of savage energy. Tugging, dancing, laughing, growling, sweating, screaming, escaping the confines of flesh.

Towards the end of the ceremony, I had someone I view as a strong nurturing matriarchal figure in my life, hold my rope... my handler behind me, I could finally trust to let go, and let my entire bodyweight pull against the hooks.

Then I remember being told to touch the ground... and I did. My body lay on the floor, while my consciousness went out and up.
I saw a dark light and shapes within it. I could still hear the ceremony being completed, but my body was gone from my mind.

I was told it took a long time for me to return.

The marks where the hooks entered are almost completely healed only a couple of days after the ceremony. Any bruising that was there is gone as well.

I am not sure how this will affect my future or change my path. I do feel different, but only time will tell where this leads I find that I am annoyed by things, but there is not that layer of heavy hate that accompanies them.

I still feel like I have my toe or finger just touching that outside place within. It demands further exploration.

3 weeks later: Weeks after the ritual, I am left pondering it's effects on me. It has left me open and raw. I am more willing to share what I've kept hidden to those who are closest to me. But at the same time, I have been more vulnerable to hurt.

Things that might not have bothered me in the past because I could tune them out, now resonate deep and hurt.

An example of this has been some anti-Semitic comments that have been aimed at me this past week. In the past I might ignore it as stupidity. But now I find myself needing to turn around and face the person to tell them how wrong they are. The results are more painful, but to do otherwise seems to be wrong. Something is telling me that Silence in such things would be worse.

A few months later: There is little doubt this experience transformed me. There is a level of fear that has shed itself from my psyche. The amount of bullshit that I used to be willing to take from others has decreased tremendously. (It was a VAST amount.) My life goals have since solidified into something reachable.

I have considered getting permanent piercings through where the hooks were, but, unfortunately, current career paths forbid such a thing. I hope in time this attitude will change, and the path I am on will, I hope, help to do this.

I would very much like to do a pull again... perhaps even a suspension. Next time I will make sure that my handler is someone I trust completely and who has enough confidence to keep me 'tethered to this realm.'

Details

submitted by: Anonymous
on: 22 April 2003
in Ritual

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