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Crucified

Okay, for those of you who have read my previous experiences, you know I like to ramble. For everyone else, please bear with me.
I moved to Indianapolis this summer. It was a good choice for me. Why? Besides a healthier environment, I got to meet an online friend, Rick and became involved with his Suspension Group, Industrial Primitives.
I was very reluctant in suspending with just anybody, after developing a personal relationship with Steve Truitt, Alva Richcreek and Jessica Black of the former Needle Fetish, in Jacksonville Florida. Since going our separate ways, I had pretty much given up actually suspending again because I had convinced myself that I could not suspend without them.
However, after meeting Rick and his group, I became comfortable with them. I did not have the spiritual and close connection to them that I had with Alva, Steve and Jess, but they made me feel welcomed and at home. I didn't mind the four to five hour drives to Rick's place to get together for Suspensions or Pulls.
It was on my second trip to Rick's, that I did pulls with my new friends Matt, Anthony, and Dustin, that I decided to Suspend again. So I did, that night. Successfully suspending twice. Then drove home that night.
Feeling confident and safe with Industrial Primitives, I decided to go ahead with the Suspension I had first wanted to try a Crucifixion. I did what research I could and came up with surprisingly very little. I found only one picture of a female suspending, though I found several of guys suspending without any apparent problems.
It was decided. I was going to do it. I spoke with Rick and we agreed on a date, September 29th, the Sunday before my birthday. Everyone involved had September 29th, the Sunday before my birthday off. This time we thought ahead, and we also planned for the following day off for recovery and travel time.
So I continued to research, and I realized that this suspension was going to be just as tough as the past suspensions. Rick easily took care of things like hook placement, the rigging, so I had no worries there. I also contacted members of other suspension groups, who gave me positive reinforcement and the confidence not to back out of it.
All along my friends continued to support me, they made me explain my reasons for doing this particular suspension. I explained that when I first learned of Suspension, that I had always wanted to go up Crucified style. I wanted this style mostly because it was unusual and could be considered sacrilegious. But most I wanted to go up this way, as a "Fuck you" to every person who put me down or tried to hold me back. It was my way of not only conquering myself, but also rebuilding the self esteem destroyed by those who thought they were better then me. But after I did my first two suspensions, it became more important for me to suspend Crucified then before. I have this terrible habit of not letting go on my first time up. I fight the entire time, and I never let go of the person in front of me, my "ground" as I tend to call them. It really doesn't matter to me that every time I suspend I go up twice, and that it's the second time I totally let go, and that I got off the ground on my every attempt. I didn't feel like I was doing it by myself. The crucifixion would force me to do it without any help from anyone else.
So the day of the Crucifixion arrived and there was a nice size group gathered to Pull, Suspend, bend rebar and Glass walk. I was last to go up. It really wasn't planned that way, but things started a little late, because there was a little tire problem on one of the cars. However it was quite late when I got up on the table for my hooks to be set. I was quite tired from a long day, and thought for sure I was going to fall asleep right then and there.
However, Rick hit scar tissue setting a hook in my back. It wasn't the same familiar feeling of the hook sliding in, it was quite painful and it instantly brought tears to my eyes. But I was a trooper and insisted on continuing. So my arms were next. Of course Matt and Rick weren't able to pinch my arms like my back and basically had to pierce me as if I was getting a service piercing. The hooks in my forearms went in with far less trouble or pain as the hooks in my right arm.
I got really uneasy; I hadn't had any set of hooks hurt like this one. I was still adamant that I was going to go up this way, if only long enough to say "down" the minute I came off the ground. I was set back to ease by someone's comment that it was technically my birthday since it was now after midnight. I also had the joy of having my best friend from Indy on my ropes, Anthony. I thought it was appropriate considering how close we are, and that he had given me the same honor earlier in the night. Of course I was delighted by both , because it couldn't have been a greater birthday gift.
I stepped inside the Suspension area, and Rick had previously adapted the Superman rigging for my Suspension. The minute the ropes were hooked to my arms, I started complaining. I did not like my arms being hooked. Didn't like it at all. Didn't matter how he adjusted the ropes, it was entirely too much weight on my arms, and not enough on my back.
Finally, Rick changed the rigging ropes for me, which did help. There was still discomfort with the hooks in my arms, and I could not seem to get adjusted to them like the ones in my back. So the ropes were tightened and I rocked back in forth as the ropes were tightened.
Like I previously discussed, I gave the word to Anthony and he pulled me up quick. I wasn't given the chance to fight going up. There was none of that initial fear, and none of the trying to let go. I had no choice, it was all me clear-minded and hating ever second of my arms being attached to that rigging.
Once I was up, I want to emphasize that I really didn't like my arms hooked. The burning sensation in my arms as I was yanked up was awful. No matter that I had suspended twice before, I was totally unprepared for how it felt.
Someone laughed that I had a great "OHHH" face. I bet it was. I know I wasn't up long, it was maybe 30 seconds. I cursed for the first time during a suspension. There were no tears, and there was none of the letting go of my body and relaxing into my mind that I had in my previous suspensions. I cursed the entire time I was up; I spewed forth profanity's worthy of Linda Blair. I felt very aggressive and very pissed. I felt and heard some popping and decided I had enough of the muscles in my arms feeling like they were being ripped out.
So down I came. Everyone congratulated me, and laughed as I cursed some more as the ropes were loosened. I had done it. It had felt like nothing like before. I hated every second of it; there was nothing spiritual or blissful about that Suspension. I will not lie it sucked. But, I had done what I set out to do, so I refused to feel any regret. I was proud of myself for finally doing what I intended.
Ropes off my arms, someone reminded me that I always go up twice. Always, without fail. I wasn't in the mood; I really wanted the hooks out of me. I was pestered some more, and it was suggested that I just go up suicide. All I could think of was other's advice on how you have to be in the right frame of mind and not to do it if you are just trying to prove something to someone else.
I so didn't want to go back up. However, Anthony had this gleam in his eye, and this smile that talked me right into it. I figured that the worse would happen was I said "down". I knew how it was going to feel. So once more, I told Anthony to pull me up fast, so I couldn't fight and do it by myself. He didn't fail me. I spent about the same amount of time up as my crucifixion and did about the same about of cursing, but without that awful burning in my arms.
A month has now passed and I look back at what I did that night, and I can't help be proud of myself. I might have hated every second of the first suspension, but I finally enjoyed a Suicide Suspension. For the first time I actually enjoyed the hooks pulling me off the ground. This time I wasn't doing it for an emotional release or spiritual value. I was doing it for me and me only. I accomplished everything I had set out to do, and it was just icing on the cake that it happened on my birthday.
But most important, I got something back that had been robbed from me years ago, my self-esteem.

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submitted by: Anonymous
on: 14 Nov. 2002
in Ritual

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