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A truly spiritual experience....

It was a year ago last week that it all started. I had just broken up with a boy whom I though I would be together with for a long time. The break-up left me completely heartbroken. I couldn't eat, sleep or concentrate on anything. It was really hard. Then one morning I woke up, looked at the nice new and sharp scissors sitting on the counter and moved. I picked them up, raised them to my wrist and sliced. The first cut was not too bad, then I moved down my wrist and again sliced. This time I drew blood. I felt so alive. I felt in control of my life again. Unlike before I suddenly felt a sense of being. I was more alive then I had ever been in my life. I cleaned up my cuts after as I didn't want any infections, then I was on my way to school...free of mind, body and soul. I kept cutting every time I felt I was no longer in control. However I moved on from the scissors to a brand new scalple. Every time someone made me feel like crap, every time I fought with my fami ly, every time I needed it my scalple was there for me. Some may consider me weak for this, but anyone in my postition, or who has gona through this knows it is a way to feel stronger. My depression about the break-up eventually faded, I moved on and eventually stopped cutting.
Then, I met my current boyfriend. It was pretty much love at first sight. We met right here on BME, through the IAM pages. We clicked like nothing before. In no time we had gotten together and we seriously dating. It was 2 months into our relationship when he left the country with his mother for a trip to their country. I missed him terribly. I began thinking about a way to give him something as a welcome home gift. Then one night I lay in bed thinking and it came to me. I would do a cutting, better yet TWO, in an ode to him and our relationship. As soon as I awoke in the morning I readied my self and my tools and got to work. I decided I would put his initial on my inner right bicep and an 'X' on my outer left ankle. The 'x' was symbolic to our relationship in that 'our song' is straightedge lovesong by gym class joke. sXe= straightedge, hence the 'x'. SO, I go to work, in the old BME cliche of my bathroom, on my two new additions. I lit a candle, cleaned my scalple and c leaned my bicep. I gently cut into my arm, going deeper with every slice. I finally got the relative shape I wanted and worked around it. I got it to be about a 1/2 inch high and 1/4 inch wide. It looked so pretty, with the blood slowly seeping out. It felt amazing if only for the fact that I was doing it for him. I then cleaned it, taped some gauze on it and started my ankle. This was harder as it was an awkward angle. But, I made it and in the end I was left with a beautiful red X on my ankle. I watched it bleed for a little while as I allowed my art to sink in. Then I thought of something new. I decided that since I already had a candle burning, why not brand around the outer edges of the X? I heated up the blade of my scalple and slowly began burning the outer edge of the X. It hurt a little more than I had expected, but after a while I got used to it. After a couple of minutes I had gone completely around the X twice and was ready to clean up. I allowed some healing to occur before I did a re-cutting of both to ensure that I would have nice even scars. I picked open or cut open the scabs every other day for an optimum scaring effect. Then about a week and a half after the original cutting I allowed it to heal. In about a week they looked beautiful. By the time my boyfriend came home I had two very beautiful scars to show him. As I suspected, he loved them. I used these scars as the last of my cutting phase. I believe they helped me reach the spiritual peak in cutting for me. Now my boyfriend and I just celebrated our 8 month anniversary, we are very much in love, and I have two beautiful mods on my body to always keep him close to me. My cuttings have changed both my physical and spiritual self for the better. I will always wear these scars as badges of honour and with pride.

*note- I do not endorse nor recomend the ritual of cutting. Unless you have fully read up on it, as I did here on BME, first do not attempt any cuttings on your own.
Thank you :o)


submitted by: Anonymous
on: 14 March 2002
in Ritual

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Artist: myself
Studio: my+home
Location: toronto

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