In Her Hands...
Please bare with me as you read this experience, I know this is lengthy but I feel it's necessary to grasp why I did my Suspension. It has been nearly a month for me, and even as I feel the need to write this, I don't think even I have fully grasped it myself.
The last year my personal life has been in a downward spiral. I was often depressed and was an emotional wreck. My arch-nemesis, Mr. "Panic" Attack had been visiting often and it got to the point that I desperately wanted to end it all. I hated myself, and hated everyone around me. I felt abandoned by most of my friends and my family was constantly stressing me.
Finally, I decided for my mental and physical health to give up on pleasing everyone else, and focus on myself. Finally I realized that modifying my body was good for my soul. I loved the feeling and realized how my self-confidence soared when I was pierced. I needed something to make me feel alive and to feel beautiful.
As Fate would have it, I came in contact with Rev. Steve Truitt in early November, and that's when I made the decision that I would suspend. I can not describe the desire I had to do the Suspension, I just knew that it was something I needed to do it. So I made plans to Suspend in December at the Social that Needle Fetish in Jacksonville was hosting. However, Suspending in December was not meant to be. I had promised my Grandmother that I would not suspend on that trip, if she would go to the Doctor. As her health was a source of my stress, I felt it was a fair trade.
So instead of Suspending, I did my first Energy Pull with Rev. Alva. Giving myself time and thinking back, I am glad I did the Pull first. It by itself was a beautiful and spiritual experience. Most of all, it allowed me to prepare more for the Suspension and to better know the people who would be with me when I finally went up. Again, Fate intervened and the cards fell in place for me to do my Suspension sooner then planned. I returned to Needle Fetish ready and fearless. Well... fearless until about four hours before I was set to go up. Then the nervousness and the reality of what I was about to do set in. However, I knew I was surrounded by my friends and my cousin, Bobby who were there for support. Most of all, I knew I was in good hands with Steve and Alva. After much consulting with Steve and Alva, it was decided that my first Suspension would be a 4 hook Suicide Suspension. Once I was on the table and it with great joy that I discovered that Jessica was going to assist and my skin for the piercings. The first three hooks went in with little pain, while the fourth was stubborn and resistant. I waited a few minutes and then sat up. I wasn't light-headed but I took a few minutes to collect my thoughts, and spent a few quiet minutes with Steve, Jessica and Alva. Finally, I stepped out into the Sanctuary hand in hand with Alva and Jessica. They led me to the rigging and within seconds I was connected. I waited a few minutes, getting used to the feel of the hooks with the ropes attached. Slowly the ropes were tightened, stretching my skin and then I nodded to Alva that I was ready. The minute I was pulled of the ground, I wanted to scream to come back down. Fear not pain was what I felt. Sure, I felt the skin stretching, and the muscles in my shoulders fought the hooks. Yes, I gasped for air and kept my eyes closed. However, Fear is what I fought the most. I never realized how important the Earth was to me, until I couldn't touch it. I desperately clutched at Alva, terrified of letting go of him, because he was my connection to the ground. I came down, and instantly was angry with myself. I couldn't believe I said "down". I've been in far worse pain. I was angry with myself for allowing my fear to conquer me. It didn't matter to me that I had actually succeeded in coming of the ground, I felt like I had failed, because I could not let go of my fear.
During the time of my inner rage, I was guided to my knees and the rigging was removed. I looked at everyone around me and I saw the smiles and the tears, and everyone thought I had succeeded. I knew I hadn't. I told them I wanted back up. Everyone seemed surprised and they asked if I was sure. I was, and quickly they were rigging me back up. Alva told me this time I had to let go of him. I knew he was right, if I was really going to succeed, I had to let go. I needed to feel the full "weight" of what I was doing.
The second time felt no differently then the first, in the level of pain. I let go of Alva and just swung there. It was unreal, and so very shocking. Letting go of the fear was so very difficult, but finally I opened my eyes and looked at everyone around me. I didn't really see them in the physical sense; it was more like I felt them. Trying to describe exactly what is like is difficult, but the closest way to describe it, is that it felt like I was looking at their souls and feeling their emotions. It was overwhelming.
I don't remember asking to come down, but I found myself on my knees again with Alva and trying to catch my breath. I felt someone take my hand and grip it tightly. I thought it was one of the girls, and I looked up and it was Steve. I was overwhelmed by his simple gesture of affection and I fought back tears. A gentle hand was on my shoulder and I knew it was Chris Rosenberg, who seems to know when to be there for support at just the right moment. I then asked who held my ropes, because I wasn't really conscious of it. I knew it wasn't Steve or Alva or Chris. It was Jessica. Except for the initial tug, Jessica had me in her hands. I relate so much to her, and feel so connected to her, that it was very personal and very important to me to know that she was the one. When my cousin, Bobby wrapped his arms around me and thanked me for allowing him to be there, I cried harder. I do not think he realized just how important it was to me, that he was there. My family has not been very supportive about my decision to pursue the Ritual aspects of Body Modification. To have a member of my family to accept the reasons why I was doing my Suspensions, to hold my hand and to tell me he was proud of me... well it made my Suspension even more a success.
submitted by: Anonymous
on: 08 March 2002