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Why i cut myself

            Before you start reading this let me tell you that i am a very confused person. You might hate what I am about to write or it might totally confuse you, but hopefully its good enough to get onto BME. This is a story about my cutting experiences.   
            Ever since I was young I have always had a feeling that I was out of place, like I didn't belong. I guess you could say that I was never happy with myself, I never felt like i had an identity. i was always searching for attention because i never felt whole. My parents even noticed it and got me diagnosed with attention deficit disorder. i had been on medication for a good part of my life and it made me even more disconnected with everyone else. i felt very hateful of myself i didn't like who i was, i spent most of my time searching for an identity. 
            Right now i am 15 year old male. as i said before i have always felt unsure about myself, i had a feeling that no one really cared about me. My life had become a blur of nothingness, the same thing over and over again. i felt that there was no way out i needed some kind of change, i had no control of my life and myself. I was just another lifeless body being told what to do, how to act, how to dress....  
           Recently my parents had separated i needed some sort of way to express my feeling. i felt shy, and it was hard to express myself. i ended up closing myself up in a shell holding in all my feelings, instead of expressing them. I turned to drugs (mainly pot) to help me get though life. It gave me incentive to go on, it quickly became my closest friend because i didn't have many friends anyway. As you can imagine this wasn't exactly the greatest thing for me. It was great at first but then it had become boring and it stopped helping me.  
           I had become a very pathetic person, i hated my self even more. I felt that i needed to change myself, and i needed to earn an identity. I was so closed up i even had trouble talking to my closest friends. So i stopped smoking and i felt better, then school started and i made some new friends. One of my new friends has changed my life forever. My friend (who we can just call J) was a cutter.  I always try to be open minded, but cutting yourself didn't seem like a very good idea for me. I love people that are different than everyone else, that's what attracted me to J so much. I became very obsessive with J, as i do with many things. Well, i smoked again which was a very big mistake. I woke up the next morning in a very depressed mood. I felt horrible about myself, i felt worthless and empty. I needed some kind of release, i rembered about J's cutting. I quickly ran into the bathroom and stole one of my dads razors. I went into my room, i didn't even care to ta ke out the razors, i just pushed down as hard as i could and dragged it across my skin. The pain was so incredible, it was everything i needed. I focused closely on the pain, i began to bleed. I didn't even notice what i was doing at the time, but it seemed right to me. i felt much better afterwards.  
             Pain became a way to express myself, it helps me cope with my mental pain. I have also been verbally abused by my mother (who was a heavy drinker.) She told me that i made her life miserable, and all that i did was create bad things. I felt even more like a worthless person, anger built up inside me so easily. I would scream at her or throw things, once i even pushed her to the floor. I found that taking out my anger on myself by cutting was much better than doing it to my parents, cutting always leaves me feeling calm. My scars (along with piercing)  have made me feel better about myself because they give me a since of identity. They are a sign that i am not like everyone else, i am different. I have started cutting designs, sometimes my cuts are to express my feelings, and sometimes there just for the fun of it.  
             I am now drug free, and feeling allot better about myself. I am not saying that drugs are bad, but they just weren't what i needed in my life at that time. i know many people who can handle drugs, im just not one of those people. I have also recently found another way to express my feelings. Going to a local punk/hardcore show is like therapy for me. I experience lots pain during the show, and usually get the shit beaten out of me by the end. I was even capable to get knocked out during one show, which left me with one big head ache and a calm feeling that lasted a very long time.


submitted by: Anonymous
on: 13 Dec. 2001
in Ritual

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Artist: my+right+hand+%28most+of+the+time%29
Studio: my+house+%28most+of+the+time%29
Location: USA

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