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suspend my heart...suspend my tears

I remeber when I was a young kid, my dad had this movie he bought from a video store. The video was called "Dances Sacred and Profane" and it had Fakir Musafar suspend from his chest. It was one of the most amazing things I've ever seen.

I remember watching the movie a few years later when i was in maybe 6th grade or so i watched the video again, i was still amazed.

Eventually I started reading BME and seeing all the suspension pics and they still amazed, I knew one day I would want to do one, I didn't know where to look, nor did i think i would ever have the money to pay to have a procedure like that done.

Then one day about a year ago my friend Jonny (IAM:Vegan Jonny) told me that he planned to do a 4 point suicide suspension on his 18th birthday and he asked me if i wanted to as well.

I couldn't believe it, my chance to suspend has finally came, I was so excited I couldn't wait. I told EVERYONE I knew, alot of them thought I was crazy. My father, who has quite a bit of tattoos and has had a few piercings thought that I was going "too far" and he seemed really disappointed with me. My mother, would get grossed out whenever i would talk about it, which made me sad because this is something real important to me, but she asked that i would respect her opinion and not talk to her about it.

Anyways back to Jonny, he looked around for groups for awhile and he couldn't find a group that didn't want a ton of money, or a group that was easy for us to get to.

Then one day I was just checking out IAM pages and I stumbled across IAM: Ritesofpassage. (I don't remeber how to speel his birth name I think it's Emerys) I checked out the Rites of Passage page and saw that they were having a suspension gathering Oct.30th. I scheduled to go there and get hung, not relizing that they were based about 3 hours away and I don't drive so...I had to re-schedule.

I talked to Jonny about it and he really wanted to suspend still and I really still wanted to suspend with him. We worked things out, he had a few days off of work so we made the appointment and Jonny came here to visit.

My friend Mark founf out I was suspending and he asked if he could come too and get hung. I talked to Jonny to see if he would feel comfortable and he was fine with it. I talked to Emerys and things were good with him. So now it was Jonny, Mark, and I all getting hung on friday Nov.9th.

(earlier in the week there was some mis-communication about everything that was dicussed but Mark cleared it all up with Rites of Passage and we just had to suspend earlier in the day....no biggie =) )

::skiping out the boring part::: (us driving there,getting lost,blah blah blah)

The whole time before I suspended I wasn'treally excited, until after I saw Mark go up...then Jonny go up.

When it was finally my turn I was pretty excited. I layed down and they threw the hooks in me. 2 hooks each time. I could feel risistance on one side of my body. My mouth filled up with drool. I had to sit up before I drowned. I lay back down and got the other 2 hooks in me.

I was all set, all 4 hooks were in place. Mark pointed out that one hook looked significantly deeper. Which scared the shit outta me (which wasn't a good thing cos it made me nervous and have trouble suspending).

After a lil while of stretching and just getting an overall feel for the hooks I was ready to be clipped up. They clipped me up and cranked away. I could feel the skin pulling apart. It was an amazing feeling. It was beautiful...but silly me had my eyes open and i got dizzy and was about to pass out so they had to lower me and get me down. I didn't even get completely off the ground yet but it was alot, and it was great.

After a little while of walking around, breathing in the cold fresh air, and drinking some orange juice and eating a clementine i was ready to try again.

This time I was going to attempt to walk off of something into suspension....that did not work at all.

They lowered me again and I walked around for awhile. They kept asking if I wanted the heat on because they were all real cold. My body could feel no temperature at all. I was shivering (probably mostly from nerves) and I goose bumps all over my body, but I was not cold.

I ate some un-cooked Ramen noodles and sat and thought. It was very emotional for me because I went there to hang, and I couldn't get off the ground. Getting off the ground was very important for me. Everyone tried re-assuring me that i was doing more than most people could....but that wasn't good enough for me. I wanted to fucking hang.

I went up for a 3rd time. 3rd time's a charm. They clip me and start to raise me. I closed my eyes. It was beautiful. I started to swing a little. I started to loose my balance. I was finally raising off the ground. Then....my barefoot slide across the cement, scratching my toenails. It scared the shit outta me. Like a wonderful dream turning into a nightmare. I screamed lower me! get me down!. I was lowered. I tried to re-gather my thoughts. I wanted to go up again. I wasn't done. I didn't free hang.....my body went thru too much. There was no way I could hang again that day. I let them know I ready to have my hooks out. I was so disappointed in myself. I wanted to cry. I never cry. Only a few things can make me cry/or want to cry. Even on the ride back to hollie's house. Even at hollie's house. I wanted to cry. I didn't do what I went to do. I failed. The more I think about it tho, the more I realize I accomplished. I know the best way for me to hang (pulling up into the air...eyes closed). I can always suspend again. Which i'm totally going to. I wanted to try a Lotus for my second time...but I have not yet achieved my goal with a suicide suspension. Rites of Passage will get a new space. When they do i'll be making that long journey back. back to myself.

Details

submitted by: Anonymous
on: 12 Nov. 2001
in Ritual

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Artist: Rites+of+Passage
Studio: their+temporary+space
Location: Pittsfield%2C+MA

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