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The Satasfaction of pain

When I was 12, I got very suicidal. My best friend having killed himself ... everything seemed to go wrong. Through my anger towards this I used to cut my arms, every night before I went to bed. I can't seriously remember if this was for attention or not. As I got into this pattern of doing it everynight at the same time, I thought, eventually I would lose so much blood I would just die. Obviously that never happened. Every night, as per any home done mod' the pain just dropped. Until that day when the pain wasn't even there. That's when I began to enjoy cutting my arms. In fact, it was the one thing I wanted to stay around for. I saw this guy once, I don't remember who he was, but he engraved all this artwork into his arms and legs as a substitute to scarring and tatoos. I really like that idea. I began with simple 360 deg cuts around my arm. But they became really boring to me, plus they were making un-nesessary scars. The first time i decided to make it into real artwork, I cant deny this, I was pretty worried. At this stage my passion for dying had , to say the least, faded a bit. It was always there though. With my normal cuts I would use anything to scissors to kitchen knives to razors. The one that was the very most easiest to manouver for me...was the razor. My very first design was basic. And it wasn't a picture as such...just twists and spirals and a couple of thorns. Mainly because it's very hard to do a detailed design by cutting up your arms. It took a few months to heal...and as it did...I realised how much of a sloppy job it was. I decided next time I did it I would definatly go for my legs. At least I dont show them off as much, so I could practise on them. The second time I did it, on my leg, I drew a design on paper to go off. It was kind of stupid now I look back... was a snake... I used a needle for some of the design on its back....just the scales and such. The needle took ALOT of patience to do, but it's by far the most numbing tool to cut yourself with. It's so small you don't even realise it. That leg design was one of the best designs I have done to date. I think the more depressed I get the more effort I put into the designs. And on the day I did the snake...I was very upset. Obvously after I had done it I was though...I actually felt really proud about it. After a couple more times I did it on my legs I decided to do some on the top of my foot and toes. That was a really REALLY bad idea. Not only was it a very sensitive area...it just got all pussy and I ended up having to re-open every cut to get the yellow poison that was in it out. I hate the doctors alot. So I did all that kind of stuff at home. The poison was like...um...pretty much like a half cooked egg yolk. And it would stick to your foot so the only way to get it out would be witha needle...a sterilized one at that. And alot of soaking. After that i never went near my feet again. After a while I decided to stop this little 'obbsession' i had with cutting myself. I had kept my left arm for a really pretty scar...thats why i was practising on the rest of my body. But by the time I had done it so much I wanted something diferent. On my left arm I got I dagger tattooed on it, with lots of blood. Im actually glad I did that. To me it represents what I did to the rest of my body. Strangly enough the tatoo hurt alot more than the cuts. Most likely because I wasn't doing it myself and I was very scared that the artist might stuff it up. I still like my scarring better though. The scars that they made are actually very beautiful...some people who are even against it comment on it... My folks however were totally against it. They thought I was going to kill myself. What they didn't realise is it started because I was trying to. They tried to take me to all types of fuckwhits ... like councilers and doctors. I was quite surprised when one of which councilers actually backed me up. Telling my parents if it makes me feel better I should do it. He tried to explain to them I wasnt losing half as much blood now, as I was when I first started. I think he got into fuck loads of trouble for saying that though. Anyway my point is, not the fact I got shit for it...but the fact I love it...and now it's healing so fast... I garentee anyone that reads this should try it. At first not too deep....but as you get used to it... it will slide from pain to art. Its well worth a try if you're feeling down.

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submitted by: Anonymous
on: 06 Feb. 2001
in Ritual

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Artist: Myself
Studio: Home
Location: Australia

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