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A ritual for reclaiming what you should never give away.

A ritual for reclaiming what you should never give away.

At A Glance Author Kali Artist self Studio bedroom

I used to play pierce a lot when I was depressed and feeling repressed and out of control of my life. It was an intoxicating experience which always gave me the feeling of strength to change my life and my sorrows. And I was feeling very horrible about myself. I had been busting my ASS to lost weight and tone up my body through rollerblading and practically starving myself. And I had just sent a nude photograph of myself to my new boyfriend and had taken a good look at it and was feeling pretty scared and miserable about the way that I looked. I had just spent the last 5 years in a sorry assed mentally abusive relationship where the dude spend most of his time making me feel like I was a fat piece of shit on his shoe. (I am not really that fat but this guy really knew how to make you feel like you were worthless and ugly as hell) I had finally gotten rid of him and was feeling like I was on my way to owning myself again for the first time in years. But I was so down on my body, especially my stomach and breasts, which he always said were too big, and flabby. I found myself tormented again that my tits were not as beautiful as they could be, as well as admitting that the rest of me was pretty much shit too. But I wanted to love myself again and be mine again so badly that I got the idea that I would pierce my nipples! He would have HATED it and I wanted so bad to feel pretty about my breasts again! I did not want anyone intruding on this "ritual" of self claiming so I decided to do them myself. I went to Walmart and bought a pair of 14K gold endless hoop earrings with a tiny heart dangling off them for love. And I went home and took a naked Polaroid of myself and had a really good hard cry looking at it. I never hated someone so badly in my life as I hated him at that moment, except maybe myself for giving him so much power over me. So at 4:00 in the morning I grabbed some ice and 2 large straight pins and heated them up with a red lighter and washed them with some alcohol. Then I lit 10 candles, 1 for each year I was with him per nipple. I put on my favorite music (stuff he hated and never wanted to listen to) and laid down on my bed and iced my nipple for a few minutes until I could no longer feel the pain of the ice on it. I pinched my left nipple with my left hand and started to push the needle through the nipple, all the way chanting to myself "Courage is action in spite of fear, Courage is action in spite of fear" It broke through the first layer of skin with the bite of a spider. I started to breath heavily and closed my eyes and kept chanting, "Courage is action in spite of fear" and pushed again and felt it pushing through the flesh like grit until it hit the other side. My eyes flew wide as the pain hit me. I took a deep breath and pinched harder and asked, "Who's gonna win? You or me?" and pushed it through, opening my eyes to see the silver steel shoot through the other side. The release of endorphins was so great I felt like I had just came! Tears of pain and joy came to my eyes as I looked at the pin sticking through me. I took a pair of wire cutters and cut the sharp tip off of it and put an earing back on it temporarily so I could do the right one. It was easier to do than the first but the ritual was the same chanting my courage mantra and asking it who was going to win in the end. So I grabbed one of my hoops and straightened it out a bit so I could get it through. I took out the left pin and tried to put the hoop into the hole it left. But it wouldn't go back through. 3 times I repierced it and 3 times the little hoop would not go back through! But this time I was crying and it really hurt ... but each time I punched through it was the same rush. Finally, I calmed down and took it slow ... pinching and pulling my nipple for 1 hour until it just popped through and I could see the gold come through the other hole. So I turned to the second and the same thing happened. I didn't try to pierce it again because I knew the hole HAD to be there ... the flesh was just relaxing over the hole again. But this time I wasn't so lucky to get it to pop through in an hour ... it took me two and a half hours and my left nipple was throbbing and dripping ruby red blood down the side looking like I was wearing red velvet ribbons somehow and my right one was screaming and bleeding really badly too ... but I felt the blood was cleansing and wiped it off with my fingers, and kept trying ... finally I broke down in tears with the pain and the thought of failing again at something. I cried and begged my goddesses to help me and begged my nipple to give in. I pushed and wiggled, my fingers so slick with the blood that I couldn't keep hold of the hoop. I wiped it off below my breasts like a little kid with mud on its hands and kept stabbing it my nipple and crying with each sharp little pain. I probably should have been happy with just one but I wanted SO badly to win this, to win me back, to love myself again, to control my life and my feelings. I wanted this so so badly that I wouldn't give up. I changed my chant to "Strength is perseverance in spite of pain!" and kept at it just knowing that eventually I would find the hole again. But it kept resisting and by now it was 7:30AM and I had been up for almost 24 hours ... I was exhausted and floating on a cloud from somewhere from lack of sleep and being so upset. I tried to pierce it again but I no longer had the strength to push it through, so I took the little hoop again and just PUSHED and out it popped. I stared at it in surprise and hurried to bend it back and push it into the little heart. I laid back on the bed with blood all over my chest sort of caressing myself in it and holding my sore nipples. Then I got up and wiped my breasts with water and cleaned the nipples with alcohol. The BURN! after being so brutalized almost made me pass out, silly I know, its just alcohol burn ... but i was so so tired! I looked like a zombie in the mirror and thought all was lost for sure at that moment. Then I stood back and looked at my little hearts dangling from each breast. They look so pretty! I smiled at myself ...I think for the first time in years!!!! I REALLY liked them and they're a definite improvement! I do think my face was a bit too white though! (understatement!) And now I sit here and type this feeling a bit roughed up and my brain is fuzzy, but I wanted to write it down so I would remember it in each detail and share my triumph with others! The day I start taking myself back from the demons I gave myself to. And I tell myself that if I ever start feeling lower than dirt over myself again I can always feel my little heart earrings and know that someone was willing to go through all that just to make me feel better. And that someone is me!

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submitted by: Anonymous
on: 11 May 2000
in Ritual

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Artist: self
Studio: bedroom
Location: +

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