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First brand, self brand.

late at night, and I'd had a very bad day. Maybe this start will cloud peoples perspectives as to my reasons for doing this, but please don't confuse this experience with any of my others. I admit now that I am also a confessed self injurer, cutting myself for emotional relief, but the brand was something else. I was sitting at my desk, playing with my knife and a lit candle. I found my self passing the knife blade through the flame, trying to melt off some wax on it from carving earlier. I had my music on in the background, I think I was playing Ministrys "Filthpig" album at the time, and I remember the first thought I had about branding, "Why not now, right here ?" So I did. I held the blade in the candle for several minutes and then thought about the design I'd do. I know this wasn't like self-injury, I was thinking about the act of branding, not the cause that had brought me to it. I have a religious belief that many find subversive, that I am a Satanist. I know how sterotyped I must sound. A guy who cuts himself to see and taste blood etc, who happens to "think" he is Satanist. That image couldn't be further from the truth. I drew on my arm an inverted crucifix, for no particular reason, other than I couldn't be bothered with anything else. It took several cuts before I was happy, and I thought that cutting with the branding would make the scar stand out more. I expected a lot of pain, but I didn't feel any, I just concentrated on the brand and the cutting, and ignored the noise and smell. I looked at it afterword and remembered thinking to myself "It's done, I did it, I wanna do more !". I realised however that moderation is the order of the day, and I decided to leave it for a bit before I did anymore. Once I get another piercing done, then I think I'll do another brand. The brand healed remarkably quickly, and scarred quite nicely. It's since faded slightly, so I might have to touch it up. All of my friends think I'm nuts doing it to myself, but no-where around here does it. I could go to London, but my car won't get me there, and £50 train fees is way too much. Body-mods are what I now have a great interest in, although I'm 19, I was wondering if it is too late to start "training". It seems that all the tattooists etc that I know have been doing it since they were 12 or 13 to some extent. I feel like a "newcomer" although no-one else I know has a brand or has done anything like this too themselves. Apart, that is, from my girlfriend who has pierced herself several times and is also a self injurer. My father has a tattoo but wants to get rid of it, and my mother hates anything like this. The rest of my family are very conservative with their views, they don't open up to anything or anyone. Apart from the brand, I only have my ear pierced, although I have always wanted more done. Living at home while at Uni and having a sucky job that dosen't allow tattoos or piercings really sucks. But thats the way it is. I am going to get my nipples and tongue done this weekend though, I think, when I go to Birmingham. At least that's what my girlfriend has told me ! Anyway, I would love to learn more about self modification, particularly brandings, piercings and misc. stuff. After about a month my parents saw the brand, although only partially. I told them I'd slipped in some woods and scratched my arm on a branch. They believed me. The only reason I didn't tell them is because it was an inverted crucifix. My mother and father think that my interest in religions and the devil is a "phase" and is due to the music I listen too. How wrong can they be ? I have a brand because I wanted one. It's a crucifix because I'm a lazy impatient bastard who couldn't think of anything else. I lied to them to save myself the grief I'd get from them if they knew the truth. It's all fairly simple. But one thing is for definate, I will be getting more piercings. I will get many tattoos. I will brand myself again. I will experience much alienation for what i want to do to my body. But isn't that the point ? It is MY body ? The brand opened my eyes to what it could be like to be truly differant to others. O.k. ... so other people have brands and things, but evey brand is differant, every scar has it's own unique colouration and pattern. This is the ultimate expression of freedom and individuality.

Details

submitted by: Anonymous
on: 02 Dec. 1999
in Ritual

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Artist: Self
Studio: Bedroom
Location: England+%28Midlands%29

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