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self adoration

self adoration

At A Glance Author Amadeus Contact Amadeus@bme.anon

From my early youth I was fascinated with my own body, this is probably a very common experience for everybody. And yet I was dissatisfied, since I was a skinny child and in puberty I was extremly fat. For this and other reasons my own physical self was unattractive to me till, of course, my first sexual experiences. A vague sense of disappointment lingered. Twelve years ago I was in Frankfurt in Germany and on sudden impulse I went to a local tattoo parlour The shop and the tattooist sported that "rebel" image complete with confederate flags, three days stubble and rudeness. I was relatively nervous, but he was even more so. At least it seemed clean ad the actual tattooing process was not all too painful. (I am puzzled by the way, that so many tattooistst sport this image or are so rude to their customers, this seems rather unprofessional to me. If I have a customer, I would want to put him or her at ease, in order that they feel well, recommend my shop to others and/or return.) And then I had this wonderful feeling of self adornement the possibility to adore my own body. The design seemed not overly important. It was a dragon on the left upper arm, very conventional in asian style. Soon I discovered, that showing my tattoo to the world is a complicated thing if the tat is on the upper arm and its December in Austria, where I live. For that reason, when the next opportunity presented itself, on a holyday in Florida I entered a tattoo shop in South Miami Beach. Before that I had agonized for months about the design. Another mythical beast, arabesks from artbooks, hobgoblins orcs or other assorted monsters. I only knew what I did not want:disgusting stuff, like rotten corpses etc. In the end I settled for a armband as far down on the wrist as you can go and still be able to cover it with a long sleeve dress shirt. The design was a checkerboard band of black and red squares each 1 centimetre clong on this sit longbladed spikes and flames all the way up to the elbow. I had now a piece I could play with, or hide, whatever the social occasion was, to my endless delight.The feeling of incompleteness remained. Soon it was followed by an armband even deeper on the wrist on the other arm, I was becoming reckless. This one was followed by several large pieces on the inside of both forearms. Last year, again on holyday I decided on a comparatively small piece, some say its a sun others think its a bullethole on the neck! Still, on a place where it could be hidden by a formal shirt. In the same studio I hat a nose septum piercing made, but my first cold complete with sneeze eliminated that, even though that is only a self rationalisation of my social programming. On holyday one seems almost intoxicated with the possibilities. I am 36 years now, and I am shure by 40 I will have a facial tattoo. Even though it will not be a MOKO but something which gives o more "western" or technical feeling. Ideal would be something wholly covering the face leaving no skin untattooed, enhancing a slightly menacing expression. Menacing in a sense of a dancing fawn, I dont want to look like a reissue of Darth Maul. Tattooing parts of the body which are constantly covered with garments by force of climate or modesty (I could`nt run naked causetwould hurt my kneecaps ya know) seems not overly interesting to me, but the thought of putting a large piece on the back of my hand facinates me endlessly (soon, very soon...) The way I see it, my self adoration converted into a certain form of exhibitionism, but this is tempered, by the strictures of society and profession, even though those seem to lessen every year, and surely I understand that through social conditioning those strictures are by now more in my mind than actual, so I must overcome my own limitaions. Deprogramming myself if you will. Still it is a fascinating process of inner transformation and I fondly hope that my new self is somewhat better than the old. This yearning towards being a heavyly tattooed person, the feeling of incompleteness I can explain only through the metaphor, that a sculptor once was asked how the process of sculpting goes and he replies the the statue already exist inside the marble block and he chips away only the unnecessary parts. This may seem an overly esoteric explanation but it is an attempt at self discovery. Usually you go and have a tat, ´cause its cool, but as this goes on and on it reveals something of me to myself and only through pondering about it i will get the message. As I read the experiences and opinions propostulated on these pages speak of the therapeuthic effects of tattooing.

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submitted by: Anonymous
on: 16 Oct. 1999
in Tattoos

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