Pain to remember her by
A few months ago I found myself in a very dark place, my long term girlfriend had left me (mainly my own fault) and work was just not happening. Everything seemed to be getting to me and through the fact I was in such a down mood I was being an ass to my friends! Snapping and arguing and having a go (basically I had my head up my own arse and hated the world at that time!). All I could think of was the girl I loved so dearly that I had just lost and I was struggling to come to terms with things and felt alone.
I'll tell you abit about myself. I'm 24, male and I have ADHD. Normally I'm a very positive, confident person. Outgoing, chatty, usually fit and healthy and i would like to think a decent bloke. I have various tattoos and a few piercings. A year ago I met the girl of my dreams. stunning, sexy, smart and so funny. I genuinely thought I had 'the one'. we fell in love and moved in together and she was my world! and that is where the problem started. I fell for her so much that everything I did was about her, for her or in some way connected to her. All I wanted was to make her happy and give her everything she wanted! at the time I thought i was doing right by her. what I didn't realise was that it was way too much too soon and she felt crowded, almost scared by it!
Im not one of those posessive idiots before u think "psychoooo!!! what I thought was making her happy was actually making her think I was obsessed. In short she left me and my world fell apart!
i moved back to my parents place (which at the time was being decorated). I was sat in the bath and saw my dads stanley knife on the floor (and no I didn't slit my wrists or anything like that). at the time, for some reason I just wanted to feel something, anything other that the pain I was feeling from loosing her. so I made a little nick on my chest with the knife, I sat watching it bleed into the bathwater. then I opened it up more, and gradually I had made a 3 inch line down my chest. I was sat thinking of her all the while and the fact it was hurting didn't register. I didn't even notice what I had done until the bath was red!
(now i'm not a hardened druggie, I don't even do it regularly, but if you have ever done magic mushrooms and you know what that little place your head goes to is like you will understand, my head drifted away to somewhere else and altho i kinda knew i was carving my chest I didn't actually realise I was carving my chest, if that makes sense.)
It wasn't a cry for attention, I wasn't trying to self harm and I wasn't aiming to hurt myself. Just, for some reason at that point I wanted to cut a pattern into my chest. I sat for three hours slowly cutting two triangles and a circle into my skin. The cuts were about 5mm deep, and had opened out quite widely. Circles or triangles are of no significance to my relationship or have any meaning to me. I truly do not know why I chose to do them or for what reasons. All I know is that at the time it felt right to do it. I just wanted to do it.
My head was off in laa laa land all the time I was cutting myself, thinking of her, past mistakes and past happiness, for the first time in ages I could think clearly, I didn't feel hurt or angry and I realised the mistakes that i'd made. I realise now that it wasn't just me. Both of us made mistakes and maybe she just wasn't ready for so much commitment. Don't get me wrong, I miss her like mad and would give anything to be back with her but I managed to stop beating myself up over it, I was able to look forward at what I had to do to get my life back in order.
I am not a spiritual or religious person, but I do believe that whilst I was cutting my chest somehow all the pain and anger managed to escape. I managed to find some clarity through the messed up fog in my life.
it has almost healed now, It itches like mad and the scars are very raised, a kinda deep purpley color. If I wear a fitted t-shirt they are visible bulging through the material, I have a fairly large chest so that probably doesn't help. the scars aren't particularly straight or tidy,they are different thicknesses and to most people probably look hideous! So many have asked me what it is, what it stands for or why I did it. But every time they get the same answer. I wanted to do it at the time and I don't know why! they don't symbolize anything, have no meaning and are not meant to look pretty or make me different from others. All I know is that I do not regret doing it, i'm not proud of it but I am proud of the fact that through those scars I managed to start piecing my life together and thinking forwards again! I don't go out of my way to show them off, but I won't hide them either! It may have been a strange thing to do to yourself but in no way am I ashamed of them!
When things get abit awquard or hard, I give them abit of a scratch and take a breath and get on with things!
I wouldn't recommend to anyone to go slicing yourself up when life knocks you back. I know some people cut their wrists or legs as a way of pain release or stress. but for me I found that in those few hours I spent in the bathroom with that blade, I was relaxed and found a way forwards. The pain afterwards was nasty, the mess, the scabbing and the fact it killed every time I moved whilst it was healing was intense! I would much rather have done without it. But do I regret doing it? no! Would I do it again? probably not. Would I recommend it? no way! its dangerous and I was lucky it didn't get infected!
maybe next time ill just go see a councillor or get drunk!
submitted by: Anonymous
on: 02 Nov. 2009