I've been drawing on myself for as long as I can remember. Small symbols, words, anything and everything. It has been an unexplained obsession that has frightened and upset those around me (read: family) For the past year, I have been drawing the same symbol on my hand in the same spot. It's allegedly an old gypsy symbol marked over doors or near places where they would come to take their revenge against someone who has killed one of their own. While this is cool and all, the translation of the symbol isn't the reason I carved it into my flesh. It is to serve as a reminder to be to be just. Just in a way that is cold and fair, without pity and especially without hate. To separate my emotions from situations where they do not belong. It is a reminder of the evil that dwells in us all, right there along the good.
"There are two wolves within each man. One is Good and one is Evil. they will fight each other until the death for as long as that man lives.
"Well, which wolf is the victor?"
"Whichever one you feed."
-Native American parable
As for the actual cutting process its pretty boring. About 2 hours ago I went down to the walgreens near my apartment building and bought some gauze and sterilizing wipes. While it may not be professional or hygienic, it seems to have worked. I cleared off my tiny table (I live in a one room efficiency), sterilized it with bleach spray and began to lay out my equipment. I used a stencil blade from my art supplies, making sure that it was a fresh unused blade. I sterilized the blade with alcohol and a lighter (I understand that this is an unsafe way to go about this sort of thing and I do not condone my methods in any way).
With some Chopin nocturne, Im not sure which one, playing in the background I began my work. My hands were shaking slightly but I wasn't nervous. This was something that I had wanted my whole life, a mantra, sealed in blood and pain, forever upon my skin. The first stroke was light and barely split the first layer of skin, I chided myself for my cowardice and began again. The first deliberate slide and the bite of steel against my flesh is something I will never forget. The sting and the warmth after were an incredible feeling. That slow itch of the blade cutting deeper into my skin while the crimson color of my lifeblood seeped out. It was a poetry of pain and a complete absence of self-doubt. (Please keep in mind this is the first time I've ever altered my body in anyway as I am sure this is old hat to most of you)
It was exhilarating. I actually stood up and started to walk around while cutting myself, changing angles of light to make sure that I had cut evenly in all areas. It was actually very surreal for me. Here I was drawing blood from my hand with a smile on my face, altering myself in a way that is permanent. It was fucking crazy compared to the white bread life I've been used to living.
I feel liberated by this. Unafraid actually. I don't know how to describe the feeling inside me. This was something I really wanted and now its done. I've spent my life doing what other people have told me too mostly without thinking why. Go to college son, you need it. Grow your hair out. All that shit. Fuck that and fuck their advice. This is my reminder that I am free. That I am only limited by myself and my fear. I am the essence of the unconquerable power that we call the human spirit, that while nurtured will forever remain unbowed. With the blood that I have spilled today, and the blood I intend to spill I will forge myself a new path. A path towards liberation of the spirit and the mind. I feel a fire within me, something I have not felt for a long time, a fire urging me to strike out and change the world in which we live. To mark myself as did the warriors of old so that I may never forget the lessons I have learned today. And that someday, I might find myself worthy to be considered among their ranks. This is my silent war cry, my haka of blood.
Technical info for the finished product.
The "wound" itself is pretty small, about an inch and a half long, 5/7ths of the design is simply a straight line and then a small diamond at the end of said line. I cleaned the cut and gauzed myself up. I've since removed the gauze and plan on agitating the wound in order to create more scar tissue.
I am very interested in acquiring more scarification and altering my body to a further extent but will probably look into professional service as I would want them to be bigger and more intricate.
Peace be upon you in all forms
Whether it be Pain or Bliss
PS I am not psychotic and I will not hurt anyone, just in case you were concerned. I have been told that I get a little intense.
submitted by: Anonymous
on: 28 Sept. 2009