456 Reasons, a true story.
While she sunk the sewing needles into the scarred flesh of my right arm, I remember thinking, 'What was I thinking?'. But by the time she got to the sixth silver pin all of my fears and worries flooded away and I closed my eyes and visualized a bloody haven in my mind.
I could feel Vixx smile behind my closed eyes, I could tell that I wasn't the only one enjoying this intimate moment. Perhaps my idea of intimate wasn't the same as the rest of my friends but this was the moment I had been waiting for my whole life. I could feel the tugging of my skin and the needle point struggling to push through my tough skin, there was a sharp prick running up my arm but it was nothing but delightful.
When I opened my eyes I was surprised to see a neat row of shining pins embedded in my arm.
"You're allowed to be messy, I'm not looking for perfection." I said in a quiet voice, hoping that she wouldn't lose her focus on my flesh. Vixx looked up at me and smiled with her teeth in an expression that said 'my pleasure'. She wasn't one to talk but who needed language when there was beautiful pain to be served.
For an hour I endured the pain of 456 pins buried in my flesh until Vixx and I were both ready to continue to the next stage, the one I was looking forward to the most. I could feel my heart throb in my chest in unison with the throbbing of my pierced flesh.
I watched her grab a pair of brand new pliers with red rubber for grip off of the TV stand beside me. I prepared myself as much as I could for the big rip, but still my heart ached and my lungs burned with anticipation. It wasn't soon enough when she lowered the pliers to my pinned arm, found a good grip on some of the pins, and without a moments hesitation she ripped away from my arm.
In a split second it went from a throb to feeling as though someone was sticking hot iron rods underneath my skin, or what was left of it. When I looked down I saw torn flesh with small silver pins hanging onto the shredded pieces, it took maybe a second or two before it began to bleed. Blood fascinates me and sometimes annoys me, I love blood for being what it is...but sometimes despise it from blocking my view from what's going on inside my body. When Vixx saw the look on my face she almost looked concerned but just as fast lowered the pliers again and ripped away the hanging skin.
The elastic like skin and fat tissues tore away from my body like picking a sticker off of a window.
We only stopped for perhaps 20 minutes to heat up a butter knife on the stove and stick it inside the wound to stop the bleeding. I remember sticking my finger inside of my arm out of curiosity and touching the small almost bead like appearing fat tissues, to my surprise they were almost cold feeling, cooler than body temperature. The fat tissue was soft and colored a white tinged with yellow, it fascinated me almost more than blood does.
By the time I was satisfied with the skin and flesh removal half of the top of my forearm skin had been removed. What was left was a gleaming pink, red, yellow, white, purple, and blue masterpiece. It was like an airstrip of gore, and it was beautiful. The pain was worth it, the pain was amazing. My whole body was on a rush through the sky, my mind was in another world, I was running on pure adrenaline. When Vixx was finishing up the edges with a razor blade to make it look less accidental, my knees were literally shaking with excitement. I felt alive, the pain and the results made me remember why I used to throw myself down flights of stairs and across baseball diamonds.
All of the scars that sat on top of my removed skin from my childhood self-mutilation were gone and replaced with a beautiful strip, because I was literally stripping myself of my past.
I'm still in the healing process, the day after had to be the worst out of all the others. I changed my bandages every day and cleaned it as often as I could. Every day I would peek at it and smile, walk down the street with my long sleeves and only I would know my little secret. Now the edges of the wound are getting dry and healing well, I'm just going to keep waiting and dream of the results I desire.
submitted by: Anonymous
on: 21 Oct. 2008