Free at last.
You know the drill. Keep it clean, sterile, you know.
Let's get started with a little background. I live in a typical boring town with typical boring people (for the most part). I tire quickly of social events and usually find myself curled up with a book or a Twilight Zone marathon. Only recently have I discovered the wondrous world of BMEzine, and with that, I was ecstatic. People achieving the sense of...rightness with their body, one I am not permitted to have. My parents do not approve of piercings, tattoos, or any other modification. That is, until I am eighteen.
So, in short, any modifications must be hidden and unknown to them. And last night, I was incredibly antsy. Everyone was starting to get on my nerves, for whatever reason. They weren't doing anything particularly annoying, but it got to me. I needed an escape, a release. This "escape" is now a fury of red lines on my calf.
I sauntered into my room and shut the door. I haven't cut in some time, so my heart was beating furiously. I managed to "smuggle" some rubbing alcohol into my room. I forgot paper towels, but luckily there was a roll of toilet paper (NOT recommended, it shreds too quickly). I turned on some music as I prepared my occasional ritual.
I rinsed my razor in the rubbing alcohol and dried it on a towel. I had no specific design or location in mind, but I knew it had to be discrete. Considering the cold weather, I decided to go for the outer side of my right calf. It would constantly be covered, and it was a new area.
With a deep breath, I glided the razor across my skin. It seemed as if the blade melted straight through my flesh, leaving a euphoric, stinging sensation. It was very deep, but it produced a satisfying amount of blood. I could feel a smile across my face. I created another vertical line parallel to the previous one. The razor felt like it was singing, buzzing. Severing the connection from my pissy mood. My endorphins work fairly quick, and I'll admit, I'm quite the masochist. This was exquisite. I kept slashing these vertical lines, over and over, and everything was spinning. I had a beautiful array of cuts, no more than five inches tall. Yet, the pattern was lacking. I then sliced a few horizontal lines at the top, creating a checkerboard shape. It felt like my entire body was a heartbeat. I felt oddly aware. I was at peace, but hyper. I sprawled out the vertical lines, widening the bottom. I swirled, I made little x's.
I knew I could go further. I spread apart a "naked" part of the design, and sliced completely random, slanted lines. They were deeper than the rest. I could feel them throughout my body, almost reverberating. I had forgotten how transcending it felt, not to be over dramatic. The song playing at the moment had finished, the last word "Amen" had been uttered. That word needed to be engraved on me. Now, I'm not one to be religious, in fact, I'm an Atheist who believes organized religion wasn't such a good idea (no offense meant, that's just how I feel). But it wouldn't be a traditional "amen". It'd be an amen to my past.
Quick little note: I fell in love. The physical distance between us proved too much. Things ended. I moved on. He wanted me back. I took him back. He fell in love with someone else. And then fell back in love with me. Than out of love with both of us. And then went back to the other girl. We don't even talk anymore. All I can say is: ouch.
I was tired of feeling completely helpless. I was tired of feeling abandoned. Amen. Deepest so far, and the most difficult. I even teared up a bit. The past is gone. I will never have that back. Ever. Amen. It was the bloodiest as well. Crying with me, its only offering: closure. I still miss him, but that's inevitable. I can move on. I will move on. I am moving on. Amen.
It was perfect. So completely flawed, gnarled, raw flesh. Flawed, gnarled, raw emotion. My moment, etched in a physical realm. My pain, personified. I couldn't have asked for a more wonderful, euphoric moment. Everything began to slow down, feeling like some afterglow. The bleeding had slowed.
In retrospect, I knew it was going to fail. But love is blind, deaf, dumb...love is Joe Bonham. But, despite his complete and utter closure, I still felt stuck. I couldn't rid myself of hopes and dreams that couldn't come into fruition. I was clinging on to someone who didn't want me. A razor solidified the end. It's over. And I'm free. He would always say, "don't cry over someone that won't cry for you". And, I'm glad to say, the tears are subsiding. Slowly but surely. A farewell to the flesh
submitted by: Anonymous
on: 13 March 2008