I feel empowered, and so alive, and I want to tell the world why.
A little background history; I am seventeen, eighteen I a few weeks and I've been interested in body modification for years. I am still young yet my thirst for knowledge in the subject area has yet found no boundaries. I have several piercings, ears, lip, nose, septum and navel and have had surface piercings too. I love decorating my body, and seeing how I can change it to how I see aesthetically and spiritually pleasing.
I have previous scars down my right leg, some on purpose from bad times, some accidental from my childhood, which has left my leg quite blemished. I decided a while back that I wanted to look into scarification learning more about branding (of which I'd like to have some at some point) skin removal, e.t.c.
A week or so ago I decided I was at a point in my life that I wanted something from my own hand, on my body that I could do myself, tend to and look after as a personal thing to myself. I took the plunge and ordered a medical sterile scalpel, some streets and a skin-marking pen.
Today, after feeling lots, I decided today was the day.
I'm at a point in my life where I have to decide what I want to do for the rest of my life. Everything revolves around money and if I make a bad choice it could easily blow my chances of happiness and success. To add to that, my best friend is moving away next month and it hit me really hard. Not only is she one of my closest friends, but she also brought something new into my life that made me happy and at peace.. Yet I am to lose her. And then come September, more of my friends are moving away to go to University whilst I'm staying in this quiet town to work and save up to go to China a dream of mine.
Today, I cleaned my thigh, used my sterile skin-marking pen to mark out a design, and set to work on cutting in my desire, my thoughts, my new thing to look after. I started off drawing a straight line down my thigh, and above it I practised depth my cutting in some small lines, like stitching. I felt powerful. After this point I drew out the word 'SILENCE' on the other side of the line, and cut it in. It didn't take long overall, possibly about half an hour with marking up and cleaning included. Silence is almost never possible, but in the quiet amazing things happen. A look. A physical moment of lust. Touch. Heartache, and love. Silence is how I will be left when my friends leave. Silence is how I'm left since I took the plunge and decided to stand on my own two feet instead of relying on a boyfriend who I never really felt the same way for, I was with him so I wasn't lonely. But instead of staying comfortable, I took that plunge and broke free, knowing I have to stand by myself.
The procedure itself wasn't deep, it didn't hurt too much as it was basically scratches, weeping a little blood. It made me feel alive, and totally in control. When I finished I rinsed some cold water over to get rid of the blood clots forming to make the scab. Then I've put a plaster over to make sure it catches what little blood is coming out.
Sure, I know it probably won't scar, I am unsure yet of how I will treat it. I may well use lemon juice to aggravate it, but as I have pale skin, the white scar probably won't snow up much. For the moment I will let it scab a little as it is doing now, then have a shower and wash off the scabs. I want it to keloid, but I know that the chance of it having even scarring is little, especially with lemon, salt, or sugar rubbings. Which is why I'm going to take it day by day, seeing how it looks and changing it if I feel it needs it, or letting it rest if it needs that too.
I hope other people will read this and realise that self-scarification isn't bad when done with sterile tools, and for the right reason. In no way was this self-mutilation, this was more about doing something for me, for now, and I will think of how I want it to look long term as I baby it, look after it and check up on it. Often saying no words is better than saying anything at all, so in silence I will be at peace with myself, and my body, tending to it, as in the long run, it's the only thing I'll always have control over.
submitted by: Anonymous
on: 19 Feb. 2008