It's a mod! - Getting the scars that were missing after surgery.
On the 7th of April '07 I got three "scratches" cut and peeled on my lower belly, which are supposed to look like wildly exaggerated claw marks.
The story of this rather simple scarification goes back to January '06 or actually much, much further.
As long as I can remember, even when I myself was a kid, I never wanted children. I remember looking at my mother when I was around 8 and wondering how my life would be different from hers because I wouldn't have kids.
Of course no one listens to an eight year old who says so. Which doesn't really matter except that it totally nails you down to a gender role.
People don't listen to you at sixteen either it seems, and when at 19 I realized more than made the decision to get sterilized, I was quite aware that it would be a hopeless struggle at that age. And it didn't grieve me all that much, because at that time my lifestyle absolutely demanded condoms anyways.
Seven years down the road, I finally had time to think about it again, time to actually go through with it, and a bit of money to spare. Getting German insurance to pay demands for all other methods of birth control to "fail" resp. give you health problems, and I wasn't ready to go through this.
Stuffing my body with hormones and scary implants was exactly what I didn't want.
This surgery was about gaining control of my body and independence from medical experts. I wanted to stop my body from doing something that scares me, without my permission, and I no longer wanted to be subject to mainstream medical views of how a healthy female body should work, or how my future lovers imagined a family life.
Of course you don't go into the gyno clinic and say that. So I tried to be reasonable, and to play on the fact that I am really well informed about birth control of any kind (I've put a lot of thought in it, trust me!) and stress my desire for a good career more than the fact that kids freak me out.
The surgeon who was responsible for the procedure, and who also has the right to turn you down for it until you're 30 and/or have kids yet (haha) was still extremely condescending. When I expressed my concerns about the risks of an IUD, he told me I already had too much metal in my body to be taken seriously on that!
In the end though, I think my most important argument was that I didn't even try to go through the insurance and was ready to pay cash. So they told me to consider the whole thing for three more months, and if I came back then and still wanted it, they'd go through with the surgery.
Well, after having waited for years, three months were nothing, so in January 2006 I finally got my tubes cut.
It felt like a massive relief, and I know I'll never look back. I had a brochure about sterilization which, among other things, asked how you'd feel about separating your sexuality from your fertility, and my only though was "Finally!"
There was one thing that bugged me though, and at first I couldn't quite put my finger on it. It had something to do with me feeling it was a mod and them treating it like a medical procedure. And when in a counseling session somebody told me not to worry about scars because it would all be done through an endoscope, it dawned on me: I WATEND scars. This was the most radical alteration I'd ever put my body though. Tattoos and piercings are decorations, but this would not only change the actual functions of my body, it was also a lifestyle decision cast in stone. And I wanted a visible reminder of that.
And so it happened. In fact, I hardly remember anything about the surgery. I had to take all my piercings out, change into one of those funny hospital gowns and inhale the narcotic gas.
Waking up, I felt extremely heavy; even turning onto my side like the nurse told me to was a huge challenge. After two hours of staring at the wall, the surgeon came in, told me all was fine, and was nice enough to tell me he really hoped I wouldn't regret my decision. Too late, asshat!
I remember Shadark dragging me home and fumbling all my jewelry back in while I was already dozing off again, and he still sat by my bedside when I woke up some 40 hours later.
It took about a week for the bruises and the soreness to heal, and that was it.
Because Shadark had already taken the step before me (we'd both decided on it independently before we even got together) and because I still use condoms with my affairs, it didn't even change my sexuality. The only changes were in my mind, and only when I remembered.
Lots of things happened in my life since then, and most of those getting a full time job kept me off going through with the scarification plan.
But a year later, I finally had the time, the money and the chance to go to Copenhagen, and two weeks ago Muffe Vulnuz cut me up and peeled three long strips of skin off my lower belly.
Because of the really cool anaesthetics he used, I only felt the first cut for every new strip that got peeled - he made one long cut in the middle and the gradually cut and peeled them broader. For my taste, it was just the right dose of pain: enough to be aware of what was happening, easy enough to just lay there and joke around with Muffe and Shadark who was taking the pictures.
Healing on the other hand has put me through hell so far; it's been two weeks and I'm still in constant pain, though by now it's more of a mild twitch than the excruciating pain that had me almost scream out last weekend.
Muffe had told me to put cling film over the cuttings to prevent them from healing too quickly. So I did that, and as long as I did the scars weren't all that painful, but it gave me nasty rashes in the whole area that was covered. Taking the cling film off and letting the wounds dry in the air though was one of the most painful things ever, and even though it's gone down over the last week, I still can't wear pants, bending over hurts, and after one of the "scratches" started throbbing and oozing three days ago, I decided to finally be nice to my skin and promote its healing as much as I can, since I scar very strongly anyways.
That said, it's the most painful mod I ever got done, but I'm already beginning to like the way it looks and how the skin in getting raised. I feel pretty brave if I may say so myself. And I know that in a few months, I'll have forgotten all the pain and think that hey, this wasn't as bad as it looks.
submitted by: Anonymous
on: 04 May 2007