A Cut That Finally Means Something
I should probably follow the footsteps of the many people before me and start with a little background information. I started cutting myself last year and have many scars on my legs and arms. I stopped after I realized I was doing more harm then good, and after my mom had a nervous breakdown, and I had to spend 3 weeks at a mental institution. It didn't help much but I pretended it did, and they believed me enough to let me go. but recently, my father died very suddenly of a heart attack, and I fell into a deep depression and started cutting again. I still did just the random slashes that so many teenagers have these days, but there was something different about these cuts. They weren't to express my pain, I wanted them to express ME, and how I felt at the loss of my dad.
That's enough background for now I should probably start with the story. I had set my mind on carving a star into the outside of my right ankle, so it would be visible, but not obvious, and so I wouldn't have to go back to that goddamn metal hospital. I may have chosen a star which is rather cliché but I felt it was very meaningful Most people would just see a lost teenager with cuts, but I would know that it has a deep and profound meaning, which made it special. I quickly broke off the metal part on the top or a permanent marker and slashed away at my ankle, drawing blood instantly. It felt good. REALLY good. So after I'm done I look at the star and I'm not satisfied. It's too... common. So I take it again and make three slashes away from the star, so it became a little more unique. It became a falling star. MY falling star. I went over the fresh new cuts a few times to make sure they would be there forever. I forgot to note that this was at about seven in the morning and people were just starting to come to school. I looked down at my newly created cut. I started breaking down, and started sobbing uncontrollably. I cried for being misunderstood, I cried for my life, but most of all i cried for my father. Everything that I had kept inside for so long came out at once. So that was about it for the cutting itself, and everyday I look at it I like it more and more. I've been soaking it in salt water (about 60% salt 40% water) and in hydrogen peroxide to promote scarring. I want this mark to last forever, just like my dad will last forever in my mind.
Since then I have found new ways to express myself. I still cut but only with meaning. I now paint and give myself piercings and tattoos weekly. I no longer feel depressed, I feel accepted. Not by my friends or family, I was always in with whatever crowd I wanted to be in, but I felt accepted by myself. Since then the cut has brought me nothing but joy.
Lastly I would like to add that you should not cut yourself and all of the other overly used details included in the last paragraph of these experiences, but I read several and they didn't stop me at all so I really don't see a point, except for wasting both my time and yours. If you do decide to do any sort of mod make sure to be as sterile as possible and not to do what I did and use dirty random materials. But overall remember, anything you do to your body will always be there, make sure it has a purpose. And never underestimate your own worth. It may seem like you have no one in the world but please don't give up, there will always be someone who would give there life for you, be it your friend, boy friend, girl friend, mother, father, aunt, uncle, sister, brother, it doesn't matter, just if you feel like giving up, live your life for that one person.
P.S please consider what your getting yourself into, if your family, place of religion, school, place of work, what ever it may be prohibits any sort of modification, then i would suggest holding off on what you are planning to do, as you may not realize the full consequences of your actions. I have found this out the hard way when i went to school with a tongue stud and I had to call my mom to pick me up and was suspended for 6 days, so please consider everything and decide if its worth the risk
Happy (insert preferred mod type here) ing.
Thank you for your time =] peace love happiness
DISCLAIMER: Make sure whatever you're using to modify your body, is as sterile as possible and remember that getting it done professionally , usually looks better, feels better, is safer, and has a much less likely chance of getting infected. I in no way condone self modification, but if you feel like doing it then I cant stop you.
submitted by: Anonymous
on: 18 April 2007