All my life, I have been depressed. About 11 years ago, I started cutting myself. It was a way for me to gain control when I had no control over anything else in my life. I dont condone cutting at all, and I wish that I had never started doing it, but you can't change the past.
I had always looked at websites about other cutters, and read their stories and experiences. One day I stumbled upon someone who wrote about carving a design into their skin instead of just simply cutting themselves. The idea was planted in my mind, and I would dwell on it occasionally, but never actually thought I would go through with it.
One night, after a really bad day, I sat in my room with the lights off, and only my desk light shining on me, ready to cut myself. Before I actually started, the idea carving a design popped into my head, and I decided to give it a try. I found a little star design, and I made a stencil from it to use.
I sat for a while decided where to put it, and I finally decided on the inside of my left ankle. So I put the stencil up to my skin, and made the first line.
Let me rewind a minute and explain that my parents had found out years before that I was a cutter, so I didn't have the best tools to use for the job. I used a bobby pin while doing this. How, you ask? Well, I'm not gonna give out ideas. Let's just say it works.
Anyway, I started in on the first line, and just kind of cut the surface of the skin so I could find the line to trace some more later. I did that with the rest of the stencil, and then took the stencil off. Staring back at me was a very faint star. I started getting excited as I started to trace the lines to make them deeper and more vibrant.
It stung like a bitch for a while, and the next few days when I would take a shower it would sting, but that was nothing that I wasnt used to. I was really worried as it started to scab up that the lines wouldnt be deep enough, or that they wouldnt be even, and then the star would just look ridiculous.
A few weeks later, there was a scar in the shape of a scar on my left ankle. I have since gotten a tattoo over it, but you can still faintly see the scar lines underneath my tattoo.
About 2 weeks after I did my star, I decided that I wanted a heart on my right ankle. So I went through the process again of tracing the design, and then carving it into my skin. This time, I went a little deeper than I had with the star, and to this day, 4 years later, you can still see a heart design on my ankle. One of the lines has faded more than the others, and I want to go back and fix it, but I am still happy with it.
My friends know that I am a cutter, and they dont support it, but when they saw the designs on my ankles, they actually liked them. They yelled at me for doing it, but they still thought it was kind of cool. My mom saw it after I had first done it, and she asked me about them, but that was not something I was going to get into with my mom.
I guess that carving a design into my skin made me feel like I had more control than I normally did when I just cut myself. When I cut plain lines into my skin, it was more of a quick fix for my emotions. By actually concentrating on a design, there was an adrenaline rush that I wasnt used to.
I dont want anyone to think that I support self mutilation, because I really dont. It's something that some people deal with, and it really is a hard addiction to overcome. The methods I used to cut the designs into my skin were horrible, and I am very glad that I didnt get infected because of it.
My advice is that if you really want to have scarification done, get it done professionally. I'm not trying to preach, but any body modification should be done by a professional. Plain and simple.
I'm actually thinking about getting a scarification done somewhere on my body in the future. I am still just trying to decide what I want. The only idea I have is getting the lyrics "You bleed just to know you're alive" by the Goo Goo Dolls done somewhere, but I havent decided where. Those lyrics are pretty much my life motto.
submitted by: Anonymous
on: 25 Dec. 2006