First erotic cutting experience
The cutting began for me when I was young very, maybe 10 or 11. It began as a beautiful, but somehow shameful secret form of release and progressed from there into something rather deeper. What cutting became for me is more akin to a ritual or sacrament, an offering of sorts as well as giving a feeling of liberation. It also brings me a lot of pleasure on several different levels: the physical, the emotional, the mental, and the spiritual. There are even times when that pleasure I get from cutting myself becomes sexual. That was an amazing discovery, and the first time I realized that cutting could be sexual in nature is the experience about which I am writing.
This experience is what I call my first shared cutting experience. I have had others, but they all stemmed from this wonderful time. This happened when I was only 14. (I am now 21.) I was very close to another girl; we'll call her K. She was absolutely beautiful to me, even today. We were both the sort of girls who didn't fit in, and it showed in our appearance. We were experimenting with ourselves and with each other, as young girls in an 'extreme' subculture will often do. We had both done cutting as well as some piercing on ourselves previously. These experiences were all done while we were both alone, with no one else around or even close, because we wanted no one in any position of authority (read: guardians) to find out what we were up to.
We confided in one another about the cutting and piercing attempts, and came to the realization that we had similar feelings about cutting and the way it affected each of us. So that evening, after having bonded over this issue, which was incredibly deep to us and still is to me, we decided to try out cutting on each other. It was an expression of mutual trust and love, a form of sharing that neither of us expected to find with anyone except for ourselves. I remember feeling blessed.
We took all of our clothes off and sat down across from one another on the floor of my bedroom. I remember that there was music playing, something dark and melodic, but I don't remember who or what it was. I also remember that I had those colored lights that are commonly strung on Christmas trees strung around my bedroom, and those were our only lights. She was so beautiful. Neither of us had ever been with another girl before in this way, so close. We had those utility razor blades that you put in box cutters, except they were just the blades by themselves.
I did it to her first. I took one of her hands in one of mine and looked into her eyes, then I slid the razor up her arm to a place where I wouldn't be afraid to put a little pressure on the blade. I didn't want to hurt her, just to cut her and make her bleed and feel all those feelings that result. It makes sense to me, how I didn't want to hurt her but I wanted to take a blade and cut her and make her bleed.
I made the actual cut swiftly and it was deep but not dangerously so. She made some sound, not loudly, and that lovely crimson flowed over her skin. It was unreal. It was actually a very powerful feeling, to know that I had just caused someone to bleed, and that this person had participated as willingly as I myself.
So then it was my turn. I gave myself over to the care of K. She used a different razor blade on me than I had used on her. She did it the same way I did, holding my hand in one of hers the whole time. She placed the cool blade and it bit into my skin and I was amazed at how aroused I got. In fact, I was amazed at the fact that here I was sitting naked with another female, and we were using razor blades to scar one another's arms, and I was getting turned on. A lot.
We only did that one cut on each other. The taste of her blood is something I remember because it tasted different from mine and I was surprised at that. We ended up sleeping together in more ways than one that night, and it wasn't the only time we did the shared cutting.
It was actually pretty intense because the experience was shared, and someone else did the cutting. That was a lot of trust to put in a person. That scar is still visible, but only a little bit, because there are so many that cover the same area in fine, tiny, shiny little pale lines. It was the first time, but certainly not the last, that I experienced the erotic power of cutting, be it with another or myself.
submitted by: Anonymous
on: 22 Nov. 2006