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Cutting

My experiences in cutting are two fold. The first I will explain is when I suffered from something called SMS, or self mutilation syndrome. The second is an experience I will never forget.

I started cutting in the 8Th grade or so. I had been in a relationship that was very rocky. My mood was going up and down for a while. And that's when it started. However, I couldn't tell you where, when or how. I just don't remember. But I used mostly razorblades. My father works as a manager at a supermarket, so there was always box cutters laying around.
At first, I started with lines on my upper arm, so they could be easily hidden. After a while, it just wasn't good enough, so I moved down to my wrists. I enjoyed watching the blood flow, the endorphins kicking in, all of it. It felt like my problems were just melting away. Temporarily. I would cut whenever I got into an argument with my girlfriend, parents, friends, or just when I was having a really bad day.
I was cutting on and off for about 3 years. At one point, I got into a stupid argument with my parents and really went to town on my wrists and hands. I remember rummaging through the drawers looking for something sharper to cut with. After a few hours i just gave up, and collapsed onto the floor crying, with my arms a bloody mess. My parents brought me to the ER. The doctors said all the wounds were superficial, but recommended I go to an outpatient program at our local psychiatric hospital. I met one of my closest friends there, but that's not the point. Anyways, I was there for a few months, and seemed to be doing OK. Then, I must have gotten into a fight with my girlfriend one day, because I went to school the next morning with I heart Tiger carved into my forearm.
Oh yeah, that reminds me. I had eventually gone from just cutting lines, to carving things into my flesh. Mainly lyrics from songs that represented how I felt at tat particular time. At one point, I had the line "Ohne dich kann ich nicht sein" (without you I am nothing, from the song Ohne Dich by Rammstein) carved into my under arm. I actually did that one at work, on my break. But eventually, i learned there were better ways of dealing with my pain. But I did come up with an interesting philosophy on the subject of cutting. When you cut, your body kicks in endorphins, which make you feel a little bit better. And after all is said and done, you're left with a scar. For a while, the scar will remain prominent, a constant reminder of the paint that caused it. But at time goes by, the scars fade. And so does the pain. The scars may always stay with you, but more then likely they will outlive the pain you felt at that time. If that doesn't make any sense, its because I'm writing this at midnight and my brain might not be fully functional.
As for the second experience, I have always had a particular interest in vampires, and vampirism. I am one of the nutcases that goes around wearing all black, with fangs attached to their teeth. I might be crazy, but that's how I am. Anyways. I found out about one particular ritual called a blood bond. And after enough research, I found out how to do it. When things started getting more serious with my current girlfriend, I suggested the idea to her, and she loved it. You see, a blood bond is like a vampiric marriage, meant to bind your souls for all eternity.
So, we decided to do it after our prom. We were at a friends house, and were spending the night. We managed to get all the paraphernalia, candles, a knife, etc, etc. We put a black comforter on the floor of our friends spare room, and placed 9 candles around us. Three black, three white, and three red. The lights were off, but the candles illuminated the room perfectly. We made love, and decided to commence with the ritual. We had HIM's Dark Light CD playing in the background. She went first.
I recited the vows we had written, and proceeded to place and drink from 9 cuts on her body:three on her chest, three on her hip, and three on her thigh. They didn't bleed much, but then again, they really didn't need to. After cleaning and band-aiding the wounds, we switched. She seemed really uncomfortable holding the knife, and cutting into me.But after the first set, she did OK. And after everything was done, we said the closing ritual together, and laid there in each others arms. It was one of the best nights of my life. Now we have matching scars, and are bound together by blood for all eternity. Neither of us have had any second thoughts or regrets at all.

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submitted by: Anonymous
on: 05 July 2006
in Scarification

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Artist: self
Studio: home
Location: CT

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