A few months ago, I was feeling a bit down, I hadn't been having a good time with my girlfriend, my parents were pretty upset about the fact they'd found out about my cutting 'self-harming' problem; which had meant I'd had to calm down a bit, which wasnt proving good, as withdrawl was sending me a little... Mad. Guess addictions not good for you though:P.
As a result, I found myself, sitting in my room, having just got home, curtains closed, with the heater on, door locked, staring at a razor blade I'd taken out of my disposable razor.
I knew I wanted to cut, but I hadnt in such a long time, and since I was pretty much steering right off the wrists for my parents sake, I felt the need to add something to my body.
My uncle had had surgery on the arteries around his heart (or something like that) and as a result, when I saw him last, he had had the most beautiful scar just down his chest. His had indented, and gone this very purple colour, but it just really appealed to me. Theres something about the finality of a straight line, and the permenance of a scar that really appeals to me. That first suggested the idea of scarring my chest to me, though I don't think I would have made that choice, if it hadnt been for the fact that it happens to be the only part of my body I can stand to look at really, and plus, where I was positioning the cutting to be (just above my breasts) I knew I'd be able to see while wearing my corset, which was important to me as I wanted something as beautiful as this to be seen as much as possible.
Because of the bad patch I'd been having with my girlfriend, I was pretty much in two minds about how things were headed. Our relationship had been solid committment, we'd decided we were in there for the long run, but the way that things felt at the moment... Well, I was close to either breaking up with her, or asking for at least a bit of time to think. So, two words had pretty much arrived in my head, both, to me, describing the different paths my life could take at this point. I decided on a choice between Forever, or Forget. The great thing about these to me, was that there was still time to change my mind if after the first two letters I felt differently.
But anyway, I prepared myself, set out a layer of black clothes over where I would be sitting, in case it bled a lot, partially undressed and got started.
I took the cutting letter by letter, scoring across the lines lightly, before then going over them, pressing deeper, carrying on until the cut had opened up, exposing the layers of skin underneath... and bleeding quite profusely... I found the O harder than the F, for the obvious reason it was harder to go deep and force the razor through the skin without breaking the letter and scarring outside of the letter area. Knowing how easily my skin scars (even grazes can leave marks) I wanted to be very careful. In the end I accomplished it though, but it still remains one of the lighter cuts I made.
About half way through the F, my girlfriend started texting. This didn't improve my mood greatly, especially with the content of the texts. Nevertheless, I text back, but did not tell her what I was doing, meaning I got considerably more interrupted than I wanted.
When I finished the O and came to the final choice between Forget or Forever, I found my instincts had already taken over, I'd begun slicing the E without even realising.
Unfortunately, I had to stop at the second E, as not only had my girlfriend asked me to come on the internet, but I began to be worried my parents would notice how long I was spending alone in my room and suspect something.
However, I had the chance to finish the cutting the next day, in which I recut over the lines I'd done the day before. Other than that, all I did was to stop myself from scratching, then when the cuts partially healed to give me a light scarring, I cut through this too. The cuts then reformed as keloids, and remain looking gorgeous, a stark dark pink (since my skins pretty white).
The pain from all of this was at only one point (when cutting over the scars) enough to cause me to pause. Most of the time I just carried on and did it, since the pain was most of the point.
Since then, I have found these keloids to be the most sensitive point on my body and especially during relationships, it gives an interesting experience.
In the healing process, and now from time to time especially when sweating, the scars do have a habit of becoming very itchy and irritating, or alternately becoming very painful and sore for no apparent reason. However, I only need to look in a mirror to know I made the right decision.
The one thing that I occasionally mildly regret about this cutting, is that I didnt use a felt tip to draw out what I would be doing, or give me any kind of guidelines. The best I did was the scoring of the lines in my skin before going in for the deeper cuts. This led to some of the letters being slightly askew, different sizes, and the whole word being on the far right of my body instead of centered.
However, I am starting to regret it less and less, as to me it gives an individuality, something that in the fact it isnt perfect, reflects me myself more. To me, the fact I did this cutting myself, and got it isnt perfect, is the best part about it.
It is entirely personal, and mine. Nothing can take that away from me, and the amazing experience I got from this has led to me doing several more pieces of scarification.
Despite the fact me and my girlfriend did end up breaking up, I'm still glad I chose to scar the forever, and the keloids that have formed are truly breathtaking.
submitted by: Anonymous
on: 31 March 2006