Escaping Inner Pain
Have you ever felt the need to just get away from it all? Sure, life might not be too awful horrible, but sometimes you feel like all hell is just on the other side of the brink and waiting for you to take a tumble over the edge. Well, I'm a clumsy girl and I trip easy.
I'm living in a pop trash movie...there are days when I just feel like crying my head off and hiding in the basement, and other days I feel just fine. I'm obese already, and I have to take steriods for my Ulcerative Colitis. In frank terms, I'm always in the bathroom with diarrhea so I'm taking steriods to stop THAT, but the steriods are making me gain weight and lose my hair. Nice. If it's not one embarrassing problem, it's another.
On top of that, my boyfriend is afraid to really commit to me because of my health problems, he's afraid that if he gets involved and something happens to me, it'll be even worse because he allowed himself to fall in love. And he told my MOTHER this, instead of just talking to me. These are the days I just drift around, getting things done yet not really "there" at all.
I've been thinking about doing a small cutting on my hand above my thumb for a while, because the brandings I did awhile ago didn't last as long as I'd hoped, and I wanted something else in their place. But what to do? After a particularly rough day, I found myself wondering where I pulled the strength from to keep moving when it seemed there was nothing to hope or live for. Suddenly, an epiphany occured...the pagan rune for "Strength" would be perfect in that placement. It would be something I would see every day, something that meant something to me and (most importantly) would be easy for something a complete artistic lout like me could draw and cut without screwing up too bad, heh.
Shown is what it looks like, although this is more of a curvier style than I wanted, so I made the angles a little sharper.
Kyo was a dear and sent me some EMLA from Canada. Now, before all other cutters get angry and say that this isn't needed- it was. I'm a big baby, and I didn't want the cutting experience, I wanted the finished result to help me through bad days and nothing else. Pain is irrelevant in the end scheme of things.
I couldn't get a scalpel with my mom's credit card because she was waiting on a few other payments, so I bought a hobby knife set with 10 new blades. It wasn't the most opportune situation, but I soaked them in alcohol and made sure they were as clean as I could get them under the circumstances. Since I didn't want large cuts, I picked the smallest one that had a thinner point than the other ones for easier motion.
I'm a nerd, and didn't realize that the WHOLE white paper thing came off of the patch included with the EMLA, so I couldn't get it to be airtight. I ended up taping it to my hand and wrist before realizing that one edge had come up...and duh, so did the rest of it when I pulled it. Yeah, I'm one smart cookie. I got all the white paper stuff off, re-applied more cream, and let it sit for an hour and 10 minutes while I listened to Duran Duran to mellow myself out. (The 10 minutes to cover the time I spent messing around with the paper and being blonde!grin) I then used a non-toxic marker to lightly draw a half-assed version of the rune to help me keep the lines connected while I was cutting.
I admit, I was worried 10 extra minutes wasn't long enough. I picked up the knife and lightly dug a small line in. At first, nothing happened. I didn't feel anything, didn't see anything, etc. After a few seconds though, blood started slowly oozing out, so apparently I had managed to cut a line, I just didn't know it. A few more cuts and I was done, it was a little anti-climatic though. The only thing I'd mention is to beware using the EMLA. I'd heard beforehand that sometimes it can make the skin harder to work with and tighten up the skin, but wasn't sure how that would affect procedural things. It did toughen up the skin a lot. I could feel and hear a slight sandpaper-y feeling to my skin as the blade sliced through, it wasn't like butter as some people describe. This made it necessary for several re-cuts to make sure I was getting what I needed done, which meant it took a little longer and I bled a lot more than what I wanted to. First Cut Blood
After I wiped off the blood and made certain I had connected all the lines and done them deep enough, I cleaned the cuts with vinegar to irritate them, and then alcohol to make sure I got all the vinegar out. Let me tell you, OUCH. This does irritate. I nearly jumped out of my skin the way it was burning.
It was still bleeding copiously, so I used a paper towel to put some pressure on it. After about an hour, I went upstairs and used toothpaste and a toothbrush to further irritate it, washing it thoroughly with water afterwards. It started bleeding again, so I put a band-aid over it for the time being to staunch the blood flow.
Blurry finished product:)
Overall, I'm fairly happy with it. I may have to redo it later if it doesn't scar up well, but I was going for something unobtrusive and not very noticable. I'm hoping it heals up as very thin non-raised lines, which would be ideal for the private association that I'm wanting for this. Even though it's small, and not special to everyone else....it released a little bit of my inner pain, and made today a little easier to bear.
submitted by: Anonymous
on: 12 Dec. 2005