pain is onto me
Social skills are not something given to everyone. There are a lot of people who can go out and will not be bothered by crowded places, who can stand talking to 5 or 6 people at once. I'm sadly not part of this group. I've then relied all my life on activities that involve less human contact. Sadly building your life on such a pillar is not really sane. This means that when I try to get in contact with people, I have to know the person beforehand since I have no idea on how to talk to or approach someone.
This leads me to this week's event, when I finally meet someone in college who was looking quite nice. At first she was a bit Goth (I hate using labels, but I want you to understand...) so it already took a bit of my attention... I couldn't get the guts to go talk to her... But yet everything happens for a reason, and we hooked up. Result of this, it got me completely confused. Over the next day I couldn't get my mind cleared up... and I got more stressed out with some events. I finally sat down, and felt badly to cut again. I never, by the past cut to release any stress or emotion, but this time I didn't see any other way to cope with the huge stress I was under.
Cutting is never a solution, although I know I do show it like one... it should never be considered as one! Don't be afraid to seek out help, so many people did cut, and are now able to help you! Don't be afraid since together we can work our way out! So please don't try to cut... it's not a good idea.
I sat down, and looked for something I could cut, as I never cut for the heck of if. I try to have a reason to cut and I always have a design. I wanted to express the pain I felt inside. I looked at my dragon, and the feeling for kanji came back after a long time. I knew the 2 feelings I was distinctly feeling: pain and love. Kanji was also an awesome way to put them on me. It might have took me 10 minutes between the time I settled my mind on the pain and love kanji, and the time I had the stencil transferred on my leg.
I set up my tools and sterile area. As this is getting easier, and more evident every time, it might have taken a few minutes before I was ready to cut. I didn't put any Emla, or use any Xylocain jelly, like I'd use in a normal circumstances since I was looking for pain to relieve the pain I had inside. So I started with the love kanji, starting in the middle, nd moved my way up. The blade of the scalpel #11 was nothing like before, I could barely feel it. I think I was so much into the precision that it didn't bother me anymore. I moved downward, the cuts were so much deeper than ever before. The feeling was nothing like before; it was almost a relief to be able to exteriorize what I feel inside.
But love was not the only that I was feeling, I was also in pain. This (relationship thing) was so painful to me, that it was also needed to be shown. So I proceeded to cut the painful kanji. The cuts were deep. I could not only feel the skin split, but also see it. This was a stress relief... although it was very insane; I was feeling better with every cut. All of the sudden, it started to hurt and burn. I only had 4 cuts left, but pain had finally reached me. I had very few things to do, but it was so painful, that I couldn't go as deep as the rest of the cutting. I went for a shower, and tried to even out these 4 lines... but they are still shallower than the rest of the cutting.
It took less than 30 minutes between the times I decided to cut, until I got in the shower. I've put some Vaseline, and plastic wrap to do some nice keloid scars... with some luck it will at least look good. I'm aware that it leads to bad habits since, on the next day, I did another cutting.
My desire to express my pain was not satisfied... Sure it was on my leg, along with love... but yet I wasn't satisfied. At school, a friend of mine drew up a graffiti sketch with pain as the main word. I had the permission to use the writing to cut on me. I got home, set up my tools and stencil. I sat down, but I had to wait. It seem like I couldn't do this cutting on my leg. It wasn't where it was hurting. I stood up before the mirror, and finally pin point my pain on my stomach. I re-did the transfer beside my navel, under my ribs, and got ready to move on. I slowly started to cut. I'm unsure if it's the skin on my belly, or if I really got deep, but I could clearly see that I was deep. I could feel the scalpel more than the day before. As I moved on the design, the pain was more and more present. I was cutting more and more shallow... It might not look awesome, but at least I know what I feel, and where it is now. I don't want to put Vaseline on it so it doesn't get too much apparent... However, a cutting is a cutting! And I have to expect it to be somewhat visible.
I'm writing this has the third day... (I've cut yesterday my pain graffiti). I'm hoping that talking about it will help me out of the cutting circle, since the more you cut, the more you want to... so be careful, and try to do such a thing.
submitted by: Anonymous
on: 03 Dec. 2005