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A Promise Written in My Anatomy's History

Since this is my first body modification experience as well as "review" (if you don't count the two holes in my lobes my mother forced my 5 year old tomboy self to get, which I recounted the horror of many times to strangers.....the piercing guns got stuck in my ears since they did both at the same time!)I would like to take a little time describing the history of how I came to make my decision, instead of ramming straight into the raw content matter of the actual process and result.

Although I have been filled with a great sense of wonder, fascination and curiosity with many alternative elements of life since a very young age, my interest for body modifications really started at the age of about 12. Being completely petrified of regret however, and obviously still being too young to get anything substantial done I contented myself with reading, looking and contemplating the many possibilities out there.

Years have come and gone, and I must admit although I find them beautiful, I still have not decided whether tattoos, piercings and implants are for me and yes, I left out scarification for a reason here. You see, the concept I struggle with when it comes to most body modifications is whether I want to keep my body in its "pure" and "natural" state, and what that entails exactly. 

Aside from fulfilling my love for the concept of pleasure in pain, a desire for adrenaline, and my fascination with blood, scarification most importantly would create scars made from my own body's healing processes, so once I learned about it, I knew it was one day a modification from I would love to take part in. However I wanted to wait until I found an image that would strike me in an instant, something I would identify with on a very profound level.  

Despite all my consciousness and plans, my first body mod didn't come anywhere near standards I had set for myself. I'll save you from my life story but basically, after years of tragic experiences and emotional blockage I finally realised one night how much I was keeping myself from really experiencing life, I was causing myself more pain by trying to avoid it. I had a major breakdown that night, on my sixteenth birthday actually, July 23rd 2004, and knew I had to change.  

For some reason though I had the urge to make this promise to myself more concrete, I was to let myself feel, be honest with my emotions not only towards myself but with others as well, I could no longer keep on pushing everyone else out. Oh yes, it was all very melo-dramatic and of course the symbol of the heart came to mind, and then my desire for scarification also poked in there as well.  

I suddenly felt very level-headed, like, this was THE thing to do, scar this heart into my body to represent this new cycle I was entering in my growth, I felt cool and calm, and very rational about the whole thing. However, I had thrown out any razor blades a very long time ago and had nothing sharp around, I did not want to risk my mother asking me why I was bringing a knife to my room either, so I settled on what was there....a blunt safety pin. 

Please, never ever do this, I mean sure I "sterilized" it by burning it in a flame, but if you ask me it was far from being sanitary, healthy or even efficient in it's purpose in any way. I picked a spot on my left forearm, a bit lower than the actual wrist and proceeded in trying to carve this into my arm.

Due to the type of "instrument" I used however, it was impossible to get a clean cut, I had to really press very hard to break through my skin, and really drag the blunt end to finally get the skin to open. I then had to repeatedly go over the outline to get a good thickness and depth. It did not really hurt, I had to adjust to the feeling a bit at first, but I was so focused, it's as though I went numb throughout the whole thing. I did cringe a little when the skin was raw and I was still carving at it, to ensure a lasting effect though.

After awhile I finally felt it looked nice enough, and was most importantly deep and thick enough so that it wouldn't fade away, even once it would heal. During the next few weeks it scabbed over, which I actually ripped off and picked at the first time....bad idea, I ended up getting a little infection all around, which has caused a slightly darker shading around the white outline even after all this time.

All around however I was quite pleased, people who noticed it had many questions, many didn't dare ask, some did but said their initial thought was that I had mutilated myself. Generally though people are impressed I managed to make it so symmetrical or even had the courage to do it myself, and also find it aesthetically pleasing.

It's been over a year now and it hasn't really faded but it is subtle, which I kind of like, it makes it more personal, and it is only noticeable if you can get close enough. Although everything ended up fine and I am still very happy, I would still highly recommend everyone to get their mods done professionally or at least safely, a lot can go wrong, and I was fortunate it didn't for me.

Details

submitted by: Anonymous
on: 19 Sept. 2005
in Scarification

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Artist: myself
Studio: +
Location: montreal

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