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Some People Wear Their Heart On Their Sleeve...

This story, like many other stories on this website, is about a girl that loves a boy.

But, my experience doesn't start there.

It starts when I was twelve, I guess things were difficult for me, I was going through alot of mental hardships. To make a long story short, I started cutting when I was twelve, I had severe depression and suicidal tendencies. All this didn't stop until Chris and I were together. I had met Chris, earlier in 2005. I met him at a serious turning point in my life. Before I met him, I was on the verge of committing suicide. Or becoming a lesbian, whichever came first. At that point, I felt like I had nothing to live for, all men had failed me, my mother and I were fighting more than ever. She was blaming me for her manic depression and her marital problems. My girlfriend had dumped me for my ex-boyfriend. I was failing all my classes and losing friends quickly. I was very unhappy, yet, unhappy didn't begin to describe the emotional torment I was going through.

Then, I saw him, and I knew it, I knew I was in love. It was love at first site, as cheesy as it sounds. I could bore you with the detail of our courtship, but I'm here to talk about my scarification. I had done a scarification before, along with other body mods. I have several piercing and I have a small pentacle on my thigh, but that was done out of anger, and it didn't turn out quite the way I wanted it to. So, after quite some time, and a look into who I was, and who I was becoming, I decided to give Chris a present. I didn't tell him about it, since I knew he doesn't like my self mutilation. So, one night, I decided to go for it. I was on the phone with him, and, I grabbed a razor. I told myself, I am doing this for Chris. I looked at my ankle, took in a deep breath, and cut into myself. I cut a heart. It was shallow, but it was there. As days passed, I opened it deeper and deeper. About a week later, I decided it was deep enough, and shaped the way I wanted it. Then, I did the only thing I could think of to irritate the wound, I put salt on my wound and scrubbed it with a toothbrush. I think this was the most painful part. The initial cutting didn't hurt, I didn't feel it. I can separate my mind and body. I had done it. I was really proud of how perfectly I had shaped it. After I had it how I wanted it, I decide to finally tell Chris. When I told him, he didn't seem too happy, but I'll never forget the day I showed it to him, July fourth, 2005. I showed Chris my wound and, he looked at me, and told me that he thought it was pretty. At that point, it was still an open wound and really red. But, I don't think he minded. Even now, I can still see the look in his eyes, he was in awe, but I know he loves it. I doubt he would admit it aloud, but I know he loves my scar. I made it for him, and, it's beautiful. As the weeks passed, I kept opening and reopening the wound. I started to get used to the pain of salt in my wounds, I stopped feeling the hard scrubbing of the toothbrush. I guess it just turned into a "\Ãw€ë

nother one of those daily things I do, like something as simple as brushing your teeth in the morning, or something like that. Sometimes, if I was missing Chris really bad, I'd reopen it with a razor, or safety pin, anything I could get a hold of. Chris and I were also doing very well, every day, I fell more and more in love with him. This scar I bear, it holds me to him. This is proof that I love him, this is proof that I'll do anything for him. Now, my wound has fully healed. The texture of the scar is exactly how I want it. To me, it's perfect. This experience also brought up the subject of more scarifications. Chris and I have talked about other scarifications, initials and such. Except, this time, it would be different. He would cut me, and I would cut him.

I learned a lot from this experience. I know that I can take my body past the limits of physical pain. I plan on getting more body mods.

Now, quite obviously, I am happy. No longer suicidal, no longer cutting. Chris gave me a reason to not hurt myself. Well, unless it's in an art form such as a body mod, but, that doesn't count. I am still with Chris. I'm happy with the result I got, I'm really thankful that I knew how to do a scarification, thanks to this site. If I didn't know, I think I may have hurt myself.

People have seen my scar, they have questions. My answer is always the following,

"Some people wear their hearts on their sleeve. I wear mine on my ankle."

It's so true.

Details

submitted by: Anonymous
on: 15 Aug. 2005
in Scarification

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Artist: me.
Studio: my+bedroom%2C+on+my+bed.
Location: spanaway%2C+washington

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