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It's all Over but the Crying

Okay, so this isn't my first story, or my first experience of this...

A few weeks ago, I want to say, around June 28th, my best friend of five years calls and tells me she's not coming this summer. (She lives in VA, I live in WI) I asked why, and she said it was because she's failed the 8th grade...again. (She's supposed to be in the tenth grade, like me) I got pissed off, like any caring friend would be, and hung up. I didn't think that THAT would affect me. Well now, I guess I was wrong on that. I cried for two days straight (not counting sleeping) and in the middle of the second day, I realized if I didn't do..SOMETHING, I would still be crying for who knows how long this time. So, I began to write. I wrote ten poems about her, and just plain hating life.

When I realized that wasn't helping at all, I went to my purse and took out a razor blade. I really didn't WANT to cut myself, seeing as how I've been trying to make progress to stop, and I hadn't since the end of May. Well, after staring at it, more like marveling, I did a rather long line about an inch away from all my old scars on my right wrist. I never really think any of mine are deep at all, it might be because I hit the same vein every time (I've heard it was a "good vein" to hit rolls eyes at this point) but it was bleeding for about a half hour. I just watched the blood come...

The next day rolls around, and I'm sitting in my room listening to Garbage's Bleed Like Me CD (just like I was the night before.) I looked around the room trying to figure out what exactly to do, and my eyes come across her pictures. I must've been staring for a good time, because it went through three songs. At the end of 'Sex is not the Enemy' I was bawling my eyes out and realized I needed to, I HAD to cut. So in-between the line from the night before, and an old scar, I put another line, smaller by about 2 CM this time.

I felt A LOT better, and I thought 'Okay, it's over now, I'll just forget about her all together'...

Well, looks like I was, yet again, wrong.

So July third rolls around, what am I doing? Walking around Summerfest looking for the lead singer of Shinedown, so I can see him because my mom broke her promise and made me leave before they even began playing we left at 6:30, they started at ten. I found him, when I was sitting by the tour busses, he must've passed me a good ten times, each time was like heaven for me! So, after seeing him, and whom I thought was the hottest guy around working at the Starship place, we left.

We get home, and I immediately start crying. My mom asks me why, and, to tell the truth, I didn't know why. But I was crying for at least an hour. Then, oh joy, fireworks time.

In the middle of the fireworks, I realized why I had been crying. July third marked my friend's dad dying four years ago, and me losing her for practically good. I knew I couldn't start crying then, in the middle of the fireworks, so I held out for another two hours.

We get home and I cry. My mom asks me why this time, and I tell her it's because of the day, and what the day means to me. She said she knew it all along, but didn't want to remind me of it, gee, THANKS mom. So, I went into my room, then into my bathroom, and again, stared at the razor blade. Asking myself all these questions, I realized halfway through my "slashing" that I was engraving a question into me.

'Why him? Why her? Why make me remember instead of forget?'

Those three questions are now scarred upon my right ankle, and I guess it's one of my better cutting times, because those questions will always be with me.

To be honest, right now, two days later, I'm still felling the need to do more, but I know I can't. I have to start from scratch all over again of trying to 'heal' myself, and it's one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. My mom's taking me to Summerfest to go see Seether so I can get my mind off of this whole thing. I hope it works...

And the thing I realized, as I was writing this, was, every time I was cutting, 'It's all Over but the Crying'-Garbage, was playing in the background, either faint or loud.

I really hope that I'm not going to cut anymore because of her, but then again, I've been saying that every time. I hope I stop soon, because I want to. I really don't want this to be a part of my life, and as my mother puts it, "control every aspect in my life".

I heard a really good saying for cutting, and I realized, it was true. "You'll always be this way, just like I'll always be a cutter. That's how people are going to see you. There's no changing what they think about you, no matter how long you've been okay, or stopped."


submitted by: Anonymous
on: 18 July 2005
in Scarification

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