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My First Real Cutting Experience

For the past 3 years or so I have been fascinated with cutting and blood. I don't know why this became so enthralling to me because it had never really been previously in my life. Maybe it co-occurred with something stressful. It is certainly possible. I have had severe chronic migraines for several years now and many times the pain is relentless. I think cutting became attractive to me, in part, because it could provide me with a psychological and physical release from the head pain. But, that is not the only reason because I have also become more interested in seeing blood and tasting it. And, I have also become more interested in other modifications such as a tattoo. I feel like I am coming out of my skin somehow and trying to become something else. For the past year, I have been almost obsessed with cutting myself. I think about it all the time even when I am not depressed or in great pain. I am not sure what it is that I am looking for, but for some reason altering my body appears to be an important part of it.

Anyway, a few months ago, I finally decided to cut myself at a level deep enough to get a good amount of blood.  My first cuts were on my upper arm and not very deep. They healed very quickly and just looked like cat scratches.  But, this second set of cuts I did with an actual scalpel that I got from an S&M practitioner. I wanted a tool that was sharp enough to allow a lot of control, and I knew that S&M people typically cut patterns on people using a scalpel so that they had more control over the process. I wanted to be able to control the depth quite a bit and get a deep cut without having to retrace over the cut again and again.   

In truth, when the moment finally arrived, I was a bit desperate.  My head hurt so badly from the migraines that I was reeling from the pain and I needed a release. None of my five million medications were working, but they did have the side effect of calming me down while I engaged in the process. So, late at night and while everyone was gone I took out the scalpel, sat in the bathroom, and cut some small, 1-2 inch marks across the top of my leg.  I picked this location because it could not be readily seen since I don't wear shorts or bathing suits much.  I would much prefer cuts on my arms, but that is too risky. I don't want to end up in the Psych. Ward, and I don't want the caring interference of those I love.   

As I pressed the blade in and dragged it across the skin, I became very focused on what I was doing and far less focused on my head pain.  I carefully pressed down enough to get blood but no so much as to need stitches.  The pain was very sharp (no pun intended) and stung quite a bit. I have never been fond of stinging pains, but it did take my mind off of my head pain, and in a way I liked it, but I don't really know why. At first very little blood came out, but then as I waited a few seconds more, the blood began to slowly seep out.  It was a very rewarding experience for me. I remember that the blood was much thicker and stickier than I thought it would be. It was also much darker than I thought it would be (I guess leg shaving wounds in super hot bathwater produces much brighter blood).  I stared at it for a little while. I liked the site of it quite a bit.  Then, I finally smeared it around a little and tasted it.  After playing with the blood for a brief period of time (I have no idea how long). I cleaned the wound up and got ready to face the music when my husband came home.  I knew he would be distressed about what I did, and I hate to hurt him, but few people know what unceasing head pain is like unless they have had it. 

At this point I still have the small red scars on my leg.  I really had no idea how long I would have them, and it takes me a long time to heal.  They are easily seen against my super-white skin.  I guess this is why cutting practitioners in the S&M world drool over my skin. I think it is pretty cool looking, but I am sure that no one else around me would.  If I could put the marks on my upper arm, that would be my preference, but I don't think I could get away with it. 

I would like to add one warning.  I do not advocate cutting as a way to run from psychological problems or for that matter any other type of problems.  What I have done has been based on my own personal decisions.  But, I would also like to say that I don't need twenty million people telling me I need a psychiatrist or psychologist. Actually, I have a Ph.D. in psychology, although not in counseling or clinical psychology.  I have studied how S&M people use pain to move past certain painful points in their life, find a release, or gain some control over a seemingly uncontrollable aspect of their life.  That is what I am doing, and it is the choice I make for now. No one else should consider this any form of advocacy for some sort of psychological treatment.  I don't know if it is healthy or not.  I don't judge it.  I just try to keep it under control, watch for more dangerous signs that indicate I am losing control of it, and stay out of the emergency room.


submitted by: Anonymous
on: 04 July 2005
in Scarification

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