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Earning My Star

Even though I know in many cases self-cutting is wrong, I went ahead and did it anyways. This is my story. Take it how you please. I'm not trying to glorify or condone cutting. This is just your average seventeen year old's experience.  
As an elementary student, everyone always wanted to get that special star on the top of his or her paper. Being a good student, almost to the point of being a suck up, those stars became a part of who I am. It sounds pretty lame, but don't worry, a good ten years have passed and I have changed pretty much a LOT. But I still love stars. 
I don't know when I got the idea to do my own scarification on myself, but I do know it was not just some random action without thought behind it. I had always been the kind of kid who loved to draw herself with permanent markers to look like I had tons of tattoos. And needless to say, stars were my favorite things to draw.  
After lots of thinking about it, I decided I really wanted to cut a star onto my ankle. It seemed like the perfect place for my star to go since I could cover it and hide it if I wanted to, yet if I wanted it to be seen, it could. Since I'm a minor, I didn't really have the access to scalpels, which would be the best tool for the scar, I went with the next best thing I could think of. Razor blades. Thinking about it, it makes me cringe. I know that is a bad idea, so I really recommend not doing that. I did try my best to clean the blades before I started cutting at myself. My method of cleaning that really didn't do much was boiling the blades for about 10 minutes, then attempting to sterilize them in alcohol. Hey, it's better than nothing. But like I said before, don't take my route in doing this. 
I had already taken and drawn out a star placement on my ankle about an inch and a half by an inch and a half, so all I had to do is try my best to just cut over the lines. It was time for my moment of glory. I decided it would just be easier if I just do each line in one deep, quick cut. The first line didn't hurt at all. It stung a little bit, but was nothing like I had expected it to feel like. I decided since I could handle it, I would go a bit deeper. By the fourth line of the star, the pain started to catch up with me. And man, it did hurt BAD. But I didn't want to let that get to me and stop midway through the star. My parents didn't raise a quitter, so I kept going.  
It was starting to swell up a bit and there was a lot of blood. Luckily I had thought of that and had a towel set out just for that. I decided to take a little break and clean up the area so I could check my progress and be able to see the rest of the lines I had drawn out. Putting water on the cut probably was the most painful part of the whole ordeal. Plus, when mixed with water, it always looks like there is way more blood than there really is. After taking about five minutes to clean up the area, I went back to work to finish it.  
Now that I had taken a break, I think it seemed more painful than before, either because I knew what to expect, or that swollen skin is more painful to cut. Either way, it hurt really bad; almost to the point where I wanted to just stop and forget about it. But I had two more lines to go and I would be done. Might as well go for it.  
After finishing the entire cutting, I had to clean it up once again. Like I said before, it totally was the worst part of it. It stung so much, and seriously brought tears to my eyes. But the last thing I wanted was to get a lovely infection, so I sucked it up and kept cleaning it.  
Flash forward to when it was time to start picking at the scabs. Again, a major pain, but in the end, it was really worth it. Healing process for this mod, I really didn't do all too much for it. I kept it covered for the first few days so it would get any icky germs, then I started to let it just air out and heal on its own. This healing process seemed to work pretty well for me. I continued to pick the scabs until they simply ended up stop coming back. Also I would scrub it with a toothbrush while cleaning it. This is probably not the ideal aftercare for a scarification. It worked for me, but I don't recommend trying this way to heal yours.

It's now about six months later and I am really happy with my finished product. It's a really nice deep red scar. All I do to it anymore is rub some lotion on it every morning to help it not look pale and dry. Even though it was a painful process, I have no regrets about it. Whenever I look down at my ankle I can think to myself "Another well earned star".

Details

submitted by: Orilind
on: 04 July 2005
in Scarification

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Artist: Myself
Studio: +
Location: Toledo%2C+OH

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