Two stars for effort!
"God made two great lights-the greater light to govern the day and the lesser light to govern the night. He also made the stars. God set them in the expanse of the sky to give light on the earth, to govern the day and the night, and to separate light from darkness. And God saw that it was good." Genesis 1:16-18
I paced the sidewalk outside of Amillion. Tension was building and I was getting nervous. I spied the young female journalist sitting inside laughing with Lance Gremillion. She was interviewing him for a UT magazine piece on scarification. I jumped up and down a few more times to get it out of my system. I figured I would not be able to do it again for a few weeks. A last drag of my cigarette and I walked inside. Every one and everything was ready. Ten minutes earlier Lance had marked the backs of my calves with a stencil. I had two five point 5" stars on my calves. All that had to be done now was the cutting. Two photographers, a reporter, Lance, Jen, Jason and I filled into one room.
I lay down on the table, tummy down, and tried to get comfy. A few more deep breaths then Lance started cutting. Now, I have cut myself before. I have many permanent scars on my thighs from years of self mutilation as stress relief. The bottom line of this piece was that it would be the LAST cut made on my body. Many body modification artists will not do scarification pieces on cutters. I understand and respect this. In my case, the exception was I no longer wanted to be a cutter. I was very serious about it. It was to be closure for me. The first slice into my calf felt slightly...subtle. It was not that bad though. He had started at the bottom of my leg. Then I felt the scalpel dragging up my flesh, pulling it along all the way. The best way I can describe it would be to put your bare skin in a zipper and keep zipping and zipping and zipping. The blade always felt so hot on my skin. He moved around to the top of the piece, just below the backs of my knees. That is when the real pain started. My skin was screaming, a hot knife running through butter. Every second, every inch, every cut reverberated through my head. I wanted to scream but I cursed instead. That's when the fun started.
The people in the room were joking a bit with me. A good friend of mine walked into the room at one point only to say "Nice circles!" and leave again. We had a bit of fun with cursing. I said every word in the book, every word I knew in other languages and then made a few up. With one leg and one hour having gone by, it was time for the second leg. I can't even begin to tell people how much worse the second was than the first. My upper body had started shaking to the point that I couldn't control it. My legs felt numb and heavy. Every cut on the second leg would catch my breath. I tried to yell or talk but I couldn't. My body was pissed off at me. Jeni had gotten me some sugar filled snacks and I had a soda. We stopped for a few second to get some sugar into me. Though it helped my body was still very pissed. The entire time I was on that table, all I wanted was a cigarette.
Every day my stars heal a little more. Every day I feel that my outsides match my insides. My skin is becoming a reflection of who I am. Covered with pants or just cleaned and dripping with blood, my scars are just beautiful. Cheers to the many people that made it possible.
This was written the day after the procedure. Six months later it still makes me laugh. I can't change a single word. It was painful but nothing compares to the days that follow. Cleaning and taking care of my stars was a whole new hell. I used satin soap and a wash cloth. I scrubbed the scabs off every few days and cursed hunched over in the bath tub. Every movement, every leg bend I could feel the scabs tearing away, coming loose. The blood would flow out the cracks and drench my pants. I kept them wrapped in plastic wrap at night to control the blood mess. While leaning on my knees now, I can feel the tingle in my scars. They tickle and sting to remind me that they are there. They look awesome now, thick purplish stars. It is an amazing thing, how so much pain can bring so much joy too. "Hurts so good."
submitted by: Anonymous
on: 27 May 2005