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Adrenaline Cuts

Adrenaline Cuts: It all started awhile back. My girlfriend and I were fighting a lot. I was getting along with people at school, I found that I couldn't stand being just another kid who wears the same clothes, plays the same sports and goes to the same parties. The search to find myself was a depressing one. I worried a lot of people along the way, people not understanding what I was going through constantly thought I would do something stupid or something I would regret.

Finally the search was over, I found body mods. I had, had my one nipple pierced for awhile but never thought any thing of it until one day I was looking for a new ring on the net and came across this website. I looked into it a little more and was amazed by the pictures. I thought to myself it's amazing how unique and creative these people are. Not one of them is a clone, each person their own individual.  

I decided that this was what I needed to do to help me escape from my prison. I started slow hiding my piercing's, cause my parents wouldn't understand. Up until two days ago I only had done casual not very daring piercing's (eyebrow other nipple-but diagonally). After a bad fight with my girlfriend, and other shit piling up I couldn't take it I needed a release. I had seen pictures of scarification on this site, and was amazed. 

I searched around and found a scalpel with surgical blades in it. I put it in alcohol for a couple of minutes and rinsed it off. I was nervous at first just because I had never done anything like this. I started of by just scratching the skin on my forearm. Surprisingly it didn't take much for the blade to cut me, and it didn't even hurt. A slight burn and that was it, it kind of felt good. Slowly I dug deeper and deeper until the blood came out running out. The cuts continued to burn but not bad enough to make me stop so I continued. Carving an X into my arm, because the blade was so thin I had to make many slices into the same spot to get the X wide enough and dark enough 

Finally I was satisfied with the artwork I had left on my arm. I just left it without cleaning it because I enjoyed the look of the blood drying. I finished up and quickly went into my room. I laid down shut the lights off and tried to sleep. Suddenly I realized I couldn't sleep, my heart was beating faster and my head was filling with all these thoughts of what could go wrong. Maybe I bled too much, or maybe there was something on the blade of the needle. I could not focus on logic. I knew I didn't bleed that much and I knew I cleaned the blade but no matter what I told myself I couldn't relax. Eventually I was too tired and began to fall asleep. But as I did once again I woke up in almost and anxiety attack sort of state. I ran into the bathroom and threw water on my face to try to calm down. Both my parents came out (I guess I made to much noise getting out of bed). I couldn't let them see the art work on my arm-(if your thinking about cutting, don't do it on your arm if u want to hide it-u can't wear t-shirts. etc.). I hide my arm and told them everything was fine. I left after calming down and went make to bed. Once again ass I began to doze off I woke up with my heart racing and disorientated. This continued every time I almost fell asleep.  

That had to of been the worst night ever. I still haven't figured out what happened to me. My guess was that because I didn't spend a lot of time doing the X my adrenaline hadn't kicked in until I was trying to sleep. And once it kicked in there was nothing I could do about it. 

Since doing this artwork to myself I've noticed a few people looking at me differently- kids in my gym class especially notice it but I ignore their narrow-minded remarks. They can never see things like I do, and ill will never see things like they do. I am my own person. 

I feel anyone who wants to express themselves with self-cutting go for it. Make sure u use surgical blades though and have time to prepare and calm down after. It doesn't hurt as much as one would think and it is beautiful when finished. Even if it is just a simple X. my X is sort of healing now and I am losing the dark red tone. I am thinking about going over it again in the next couple of days to make it last forever. –another thing is u notice I always referred to it as art work, which is what it is to me. Art is how a person expresses themselves. Body modification is a form of art and is how I choose to express myself. 

    Thank you for listening

Details

submitted by: Anonymous
on: 15 April 2005
in Scarification

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Artist: me
Studio: bathroom
Location: my+home

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