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Our link between hearts...a teardrop.

This is the story of my scarification...my teardrop.

First of all I'd like to say that while I know some people may resent me for doing this as a part of a relationship (and a young one at that), it does have a much more spiritual meaning, and I'm never going to regret it (I'll explain later).

I had been going out with my girlfriend (who's name I won't mention here) for about two months, and it was awesome, everything seemed to be going perfectly until I did something. Something I'm not very proud of, and I won't go into it in this experience, but as a result of it I caused my girlfriend to go into a deep depression...and to self injure. We have both self injured before, and have promised each other we are going to do our best to stop, but at that time it did happen. My girlfriend scarred a teardrop into her left forearm. A simple, unclosed, curved line about an inch wide by an inch and a half long with a small dot close to one edge as a reflection.

When things cleared up between us and got happy again, I was sure that scar hurt me just as much as it hurt her. Every time I saw it, it served as a reminder of what I had done, and in honesty...it was a good punishment (though I'm sure that wasn't what it was intended as).

I needed to do something to redeem myself...in some way I felt I need to suffer for the pain that I had caused to her. It was a weird feeling, not one I can explain too clearly with words. I don't know how it works...and I don't want to offend anyone out there who believes in it, but I needed to clear my karma...if that makes any sense.


I had remarked offhand a few times after she had done it to herself that she do one for me a few times. I began to think about it seriously...I supposed some part of me felt that if I could feel some part of the pain she'd felt, I would feel better about myself, be able to put it behind me.

My girlfriend did it for me. The actual scarification was horribly done...not in an aesthetic sense...but in the quality of sterility. Basically, it was done by scraping the skin away with a screw (that's right, a screw) until it was red, raw and bled. I guess that makes it abrasive scarification? A little later, she touched it up with the tip of a mechanical pencil. I know, I know...it was done before my interest in body modification really took off, when I was ignorant to sterility and the like. When I look back on it now, I was damn lucky there were no serious complications, so please don't do it this way, ok?

The pain factor is something I remember quite well. In all honesty...there wasn't much of it. I remember a very sharp stinging, but nothing unbearable. It was a bit sensitive for a few days until it really scabbed over, but overall I really expected more.

As for irritating it, as soon as scabs developed I started picking away. This was probably the worst part, and I'll tell you hurt way the hell more than doing the actual piece itself. I realize now that I didn't irritate it nearly enough for it to truly keloid well, I am actually very happy, and I think it came out perfect. It is only very slightly raised in some parts, and in others basically flush with the skin. I love it most in cold weather (the scar will turn a deep purple and be very visible) and submerged in water (it will look red and slightly indented). I am very VERY happy with it.

There is then the problem that arises in explaining to your parents why you have something like that on your arm. They didn't even notice it until it was almost fully healed. Ha. I told them I feel down...and a stick did it. It's amazing what some people will believe.

All in all...it did do what I hoped it would do. Instead of symbolizing pain, the matching teardrops on our arms signify our love for each other, and are very important to us. We are both very proud of them, and, in a way now a teardrop has come to be the symbol of our relationship.

Somehow...those scars unified us, they did fix things and clear consciences. How they did it, I have no idea, but in 5 days we will have been going out for half a year, and there is not a day aside from those few that we've been unhappy.

Now to answer the "what happens when you break up, and regret it?" question. For me...it's always going to be a symbol of love...of my first love. You see, the person who did this for me was my first girlfriend, ever. For me, it's always going to serve as a reminder of my first love, how awesome it was, how awesome it felt, that whirlwind of emotions and feelings. Something, so I will always be able to go back, and to remember those times we had, that love we had. And...if we manage to make it past high school (which we plan to)...it's going to mean even more.

It is my teardrop, the link between our two hearts.

Details

submitted by: lucid-nightmare
on: 01 April 2005
in Scarification

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Artist: my+girlfriend
Studio: her+living+room
Location: +

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