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Cutting to my core

I am a sixteen year old Female from Australia. I have been interested in body modification since before I knew the name for it and much before I had anyone's permission to do it. I am a cutter. I have multiple body piercings and seek many more.

My cutting began at age 13 when my depression was only mild; I began using un-sterile objects such as compasses, razor blades, and scissors and knifes to cut myself. Don't try that at home, I am lucky that to this day I didn't get any infections. My cutting began as small shapes and letters in my upper thighs, everyday after school when the bullying and harassment had gotten too much I would inscribe the initials of the person I hated the most and glory in the burning sensation which followed. It was my escape. This stopped as soon as I began to get pierced, I found that the process itself was calming and the aftercare took my mind of my life, it gave me something to look forward too and one less reason to hate myself, I was making my outside reflect how I felt inside.

My cutting never required medical attention and no one ever knew, I suffered in silence. My cutting stopped as soon as I sought counselling for my depression, my self hate began to lessen. Upon entering grade 12 in high school my depression hit an all time low and I once again began to cut, no longer names or images, but Solid lines. My objects of choice were now single use Lance scalpels, Carbon steel surgical blades, which I obtained from a friend who was a nurse, I used alcohol preps to clean my skin and washed my hands with surgical soap, gloved and sterile hands I cut cleanly and secretly, My Breasts and my stomach became marred with cuts., often my wrists as well, by only areas which could be hidden, I didn't desirer to be alienated anymore that I already was, being modified in a rural area. With my cuts, I always washed and cleaned them afterwards; I suppose I am too anal to neglect my body and let infection set in, so I was always patched up in places. My partner at the time confronted me about it and pleaded with me to seek help. I did not.

I stopped once again, fantasising instead the shower about ripping my wrists apart with my razor, or cutting myself and then painting myself in blood, Once in a blue moon I break down and cut, I always have a scalpel in my drawer tempting me, and now I find strength in resisting. At the time these fantasies to me seemed natural and not wrong, I did not ever intend to kill myself, though in the past it had crossed my mind, I suppose I never really understood my reasoning for cutting whether it was to affirm ownership over my once abused body or to let out my feelings, Several of my close friends were also cutters, so my behaviour seemed almost normal. By comparison I thought my cutting was tame and harmless, fore I did not drink or smoke, cutting was to me my personal escape, committed in times of sadness and confusion.

In Australia there are no Body Modification Practitioners who cut, so my desire couldn't be satiated in a professional context, in addition to my age acting as a barrier to my tattoo plans already, I had no real "out" I think at some stage every teenagers self-harms, whether consciously or not. I accept who I am and cutting is a part of me. I cut periodically depending on my life.

In the future I hope to get several cuttings done professionally as I love scars and find the idea of having a custom scar beautiful. I have found BMEzine to be exceptionally helpful and reading the experiences has helped me come to terms with my habit. I want to be comfortable in my own skin and If cutting helps me do that then I do not see it as destructive, I know when to stop and it is not a constant occurrence, I know one day I will lose my desire to self-harm and I will deal with my issues in another way, but for now, I cut. My family do not understand my need to modify my body.
My only advice to others who cut, or who are contemplating cutting, explore the other ways you can express yourself before you cut at home, it, like anything can prove dangerous and even fatal. There are, in my experience are other pathways to go down, less damaging than cutting. It is not worth destroying your friendships and relationships over, Scars are beautiful and cuttings done professionally can hold the same significance. Remember that your friends and family are only concerned or angry about your cutting because they love you. Talk to those around you about your problems instead of taking them out on yourself. Examine your motivation and come to terms with yourself and who you are.

Your body is your own, make your own choices and never let anyone make you feel like you don't have the right to be who you are.

Be safe, be educated and be happy Feel free to email with questions or queries regarding this submission

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submitted by: Anonymous
on: 14 Oct. 2004
in Scarification

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