A Star Summer
I have always been interested in reading about other people's experiences in this area, but I have never been a person who cuts herself before. OK, so I once tried to put a heart onto my upper leg when I was about 13, but it was very light and left no scar whatsoever, and it was just a little silly experimentation, to see what would happen. It hurt though, which is probably why I didn't go so deep.
Last night, however, was different. I was sat outside, with a few friends, in the shed (which is basically a 'hangout' for us all, to save us driving my mum mad being in the house making noise), and we were chatting about the past summer.
I'd been tempted to get a tattoo of a flower on my wrist, to commemorate the fun I've had over the last few months. While I was there, I would have also had my current tattoo (a yin/yang on my shoulder) filled in properly, since it was done pretty shoddily----doesn't stop me loving it though. But the money issue was a problemsince I had none.
Anyway, I was sat, contemplating how to commemorate this summer---all the fun I've had, and the fact that some of my closest friends have now left town and gone to university. I knew I was gonna miss them like crazy, and I knew I NEVER want to forget the great times I've had, what I've done, and the people who have been there by my side. I'm going to uni myself in a few days, and I know things are going to change from then on. I wanted to hold the moment forever, a summer where I've been free to do as I wish, with no constraints---being in university is going to completely change the way I have to do things---
---And, as I thought about it, I realised it was really simple. I popped inside the house, and got a pin. I placed it under the flame of one of the burning candles, and etched a small star onto the top of my hand (next to a recent scar done by a friend holding a cigarette, which I accidentally brushed *this probably contributed toward me wanting to do this, since that scar will always remind me of that moment, as will a few other scars I have from various things, such as falling down whilst hugging a friend who was leaving for uni that morning, or the little scars I still hold from childhood accidents, each one with a little story behind them, a story I can tell people with the scar to back it up and serve as a 'jog' for my memory)
--I thought a star would be the best thing to do. I did contemplate having a heart, but the lines would have been too complicated to do with a small pin (and especially after a couple of breezers, which I knew could mess up the heart even more. And, lets face it, who wants a messed up, drunken scar on them for all their lives?). So, I dragged the pin across my skin, and it bled a little. Once I had the outline (a small about the size of a ha'penny 5 pointed star, with the lines criss-crossing in the middle), I carried on bringing the pin across the lines I'd already made, cleaning up the blood as I went along. I tucked the pin under the lines I'd made, just so it rose up the surrounding skin, to make the star more noticeable). I probably spent 1&1/2 hours, sat there, listening to my brother and his friend chatter, continuously scratching at the cut, concentrating on making the lines as evenly deep as possible in the half light of the shed. I have managed to accidentally knock a bit of skin OUT of one of the corners of the star, while burrowing underneath the skin to raise it, but it still looks pretty neat and straight.
Doing this to my hand was probably a bad idea, coz it's likely to have got infected, due to my total lack of sterilisation. I've rubbed antiseptic into it quite a few times, and I'm gonna have to put a plaster onto it when I'm working, but hopefully it'll turn out OK, and I'll have that little star there to remind me of what I've done, where I've been, and the people I was thinking about while I did it.
I don't think I mind if people see it. I'm not a depressive person, and I've never cut myself before, so people should just see it as what it is, a small mark that will stay there, rather like my tattoo---a mark that means a lot to me. If someone asks me why I did it, I'll tell them. And if they ask if it hurt, I'm not gonna lie, because it DID hurt, especially when I started doing it, that is, before it went numband this morning, when I woke up and remembered what I had done, it hurt A LOT. But it was worth it, and I'm waiting for the final outcome.
Just a word of warning----sterilise the razors/pins (whatever) you use, coz this cut really does look horrid at the moment, I'm just hoping it'll clean up nicely, and stay true as a testament to what I have, what I've lost, and what the future holds for me. E x
submitted by: Anonymous
on: 01 Oct. 2004