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Blood & Tears

I cried. I really really cried. It was the first time I'd truly cried in years. I just couldn't hold it back anymore.

Cutting my star was the most emotional experience of my short life. I'd needed it for so long but I never realized how badly I needed it until that night in September.

I'd had a small obsession with stars for a few years before this; I drew them everywhere. People used to ask me why but I knew that they couldn't know. The stars cleared my mind and allowed me think about what really mattered. Each one I drew was different, they looked different to others as well as to me, but I was the only one that could read my stars. They didn't have exact definitions, but I could just tell what this cluster meant and where that one came from. So, in the summer of 2001, I decided it was time to move to a more intense canvas.

Shortly before all of this, I was in an incredibly abusive relationship. She raped me emotionally and left me to bleed on a regular basis, and for some reason, I let her do it over and over again. I'd been physically abused before, but this was much different. She took more from me than anyone ever had. She was killing me and I felt like there was no way I could stop her. This went on until I slipped into a crippling depression; I'd dug myself a hole and now I couldn't get out. Then, one day, I just said no. I wouldn't take her calls, I wouldn't answer the door when it was her, I just isolated myself from her completely.When she finally left me alone, I realized how much she'd taken from me; all my friends, my dignity, my life. All I could do was rebuild. I went back to school and started to do my work, I made new friends, I allowed myself to have fun. I shed all of these ideals she had forced on me, I stopped judging people and learned to love. I decided that this was the l ast time it would ever happen. I'd been fucked over by too many people to let it happen again.

After my long and painful regrowth, I knew I needed to mark my body as my own. I needed to do something to signify my liberation from people like her. I needed to take all the emotional pain they had inflicted on me and give myself the power of the pain, I was the only one who could make Me bleed. I had to harness all of the agony they had put me through and turn it into something positive; a star.

I'd known for a long time that I wanted to carve a star into my skin, it just took me a while to admit to myself that this was what I needed, and I needed it badly. I spent three months researching my topic online at sites about scarification and medical sites. I ended up with a bit of knowledge about the anatomy of the vein structure and bunches of warnings telling me not to do this at home, which I stupidly ignored. I really shouldn't have done this on my own, I just got lucky that it didn't get infected or worse. I went out and got some nice X-Acto Precision No. 1 blades with a handle, sterile alcohol swabs and sterile gloves. I knew just where and how big I wanted it; immediately below my right breast about an inch in diameter. It was time.

After the world went to sleep at one in the morning on Sunday, the twenty-third of September in the year two thousand and one, it began. I started with putting on my favorite cd, lighting incense and candles, and taking a moment to relax. I stood in front of my mirror, naked from the waist up and cleaned the area to be cut as well as the blade with the rubbing alcohol swabs. I used blood from a previous cut(not self inflicted) that was also cleaned with alcohol to trace my star before I cut it. Slowly, I pressed the blade to my skin and dragged it down, a small pool of blood forming at the tip of the blade. This freed me. All I could think was "no more." No more abuse, no more agony, no more sleepless nights, no more pain. And before I knew what was happening, I was sobbing, but no longer was I sobbing out of sorrow. I felt nothing but joy; I was finally free. Yes, I was crying because of what had happened to me, but not because it happened, because it was over. It was final ly done, I let go.

I pulled myself together and finished the last four lines of the star, each one as emotional as the first. Sure, it hurt, but I wasn't paying attention to the pain, I was focusing on the release. I could feel the blade cut through each layer of skin. It chilled me to know that I really did have this much power. Soon, I was complete. I went back and scrubbed red wine vinegar in with a new toothbrush, then scrubbed in some hydrogen peroxide. I took a moment to look at it; it was more beautiful then I had thought anything could be.

I scrubbed my star daily in the shower for two weeks, and occasionally rubbed more red wine vinegar into it, and now I have a lovely scar. It isn't too pronounced; it's visible but it doesn't differ too much from the color of my skin. Only my close friends know about it and I haven't had a problem hiding it from prying eyes. I finally found a way reclaim my body, and through this a way to reclaim my mind.

Many people think I'm too young at the age of 13 to have piercings and scarification, but how can they judge who I am by something as irrelevant as my age? Because of the unfortunate hand I've been dealt, I've been forced to grow up fast, but I really think the decision I made was a good one. I would rather have gone to a professional, but that wasn't really a choice under the circumstances. I know that I would be a much different person now if I didn't have my star and I don't think I could have waited until I was 18 to get it, but if at all possible, wait and go to a professional to have something like this done.

People ask me if I've thought about how permanent what I've done to my body is, or will I ever take out the rings in my face. I've definitely thought about how permanent all of these things are and this encouraged my decision. I plan to keep all of my modifications forever, they have made me what I am.

Thank you for taking a moment to read my story. Any feedback is more than welcome.

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submitted by: Anonymous
on: 26 March 2002
in Scarification

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