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The Art Form of Cuttings in My Eyes

When I started doing cuttings on myself, I thought that it was just self mutilation. Through BME and similar sites I now appreciate it for the art form that it can be and the skill that is involved in doing a cutting correctly.

Recently my life has become so stressful that I go into extreme depressions because I don't know how to deal with what is happening. I have been fascinated by self mutilation before because I could not understand how or why someone would purposely hurt themselves.

So, I tried it. I took a kitchen knife, sharpened it and made a few small cuts on my upper arm. It bled a little, and hurt a lot. But because they weren't deep cuts, they healed quickly and no one noticed them. Somehow it helped me deal with my depression. The small amount of pain it cause was well worth the way it helped me.

I decided from that point on that whenever I was depressed I would cut myself. But because the normal kitchen knife would never be sharp enough for me to use it the way I wanted to, I chose to use an exacto-knife  with a new blade. The next time I cut myself it ended up being a small line design on my right inner calf. Once again, I didn't cut deep, just on the surface so it would bleed. It didn't hurt at all this time. It basically felt like a cat scratch.

There was a down side to cutting myself in a place that people could see. Because I was in a swimming class at school when I did this and I swam every day, the chlorine really irritated the cut and people started to ask questions. When I tried to explain what it was and why I was doing it, people got the wrong ideas and though that I was 'getting off' from the pain. That was a living nightmare. When the cut had finally healed and all that was left was a small faint scar, people stopped making fun of me and forgot about the whole thing.

I didn't expect it to scar at all because it was on the surface. One day I was looking thought BME and found the Scarifications page. I had no idea before then that people cut or burned pictures into their skin just so they could have a permanent scar left. Now, because I was still getting depressed to the point of suicide, I started to consider doing a picture cutting on my left calf. I was no longer in the swimming class at this point so no one would notice it unless I showed it to them.

I looked on BME and other similar pages to get some ideas on what to cut into my skin. I finally decided on a small snake. I marked it out on my calf with a pen and then got to work. I Sterilized my exacto-knife and made sure I had the thing I would need and started to cut. Boy, I tell you, even with the guidelines it was hard and I ended up messing up a bit. I now have so much respect for the people that do this for a living. It takes a lot of practice.

I was happy with how it turned out though. It not only helped me with my depression, I now have a decorative scar on my leg. As I am writing this my snake has completely healed, and the mistakes I made are unnoticeable. People have yet to notice it and I am thinking about the next one I will be doing.

I want to offer a word of caution though. When I was cutting the snake I did not notice the vein that was very close to it.  If I had gotten any closer to it I might have severed the vein and been in big trouble. If you choose to do a cutting on yourself, look for veins before you begin. Having it in on a vein is not with loosing a lot of blood.

Cutting has helped me from reaching the point of extreme emotional breakdown and I have come to respect it for the art form it can be. You have to think about what you are doing and plan it out because it is not erasable and can't be just an arbitrary line cutting. In my eyes cutting is vastly different from self mutilation. With self mutilation you want to ruin your skin, with cutting you want to make a scar that you won't be ashamed of in the years to come.

I recommend cuttings to anyone who is interested in them. If they are done right you will enjoy them for years to come. If you don't want to do it yourself, then don't. Have a professional do it. Much less risk is involved and they will probably be more artistically talented then you. If people think you are a freak, just say "Screw you, I'm not the only one that's doing it."


submitted by: Anonymous
on: 22 March 2002
in Scarification

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