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a cutting between my breasts

It had been going on for a while, this light obsession of mine with cutting. I have been a self-mutilator for some time now. I believe it comes deep within me; this need for pain. But I hated the scars, not making them, but the ugly colour they took on; after a month or two, or years. My legs are horrible, filled with areas of scars, straight long lines, asymmetrically placed.

As my body is beautiful to me, I wanted beauty to be printed on its skin.

So I decided to make a piece of art instead. It sounds all very serious, but I really felt and feels like my cutting is a piece of art.

So, now it came down to the matter of deciding of a design. It came to me from the beginning; I wanted a star, not the ordinary kind but a compass-like star with only four "points".

It have always been a symbol of meaning to me, not being a symbol of meaning something specific; rather a symbol that means something special to me. Anyway, I wanted it on my chest, right between my breasts. Odd place, but my mind seamed to think of it as right.

As the story begins with; I am a self-mutilator...so the pain of it all didn't worry me, I knew that I could take it.

It was much more worrying about doing it right. So I went out and bought myself some supplies for the process; scalpel, disinfectant, colour (ink), gauze bandage and tape.

It was night, after midnight I think, a couple of days after buying the supplies that I decided that I was ready. I have always had a screwed up daily-rhythm, so the night was and still is my "day", so to speak.

I started by removing my clothes on the upper part of my body, and carefully cleaned the area; and standing before the mirror I drew out the design right on the spot where I wanted it. It took a couple of tries to be perfect.

Then I took the scalpel in my hands and slowly, oh so slowly followed the path of the drawing. I wanted it deep, not very deep, but I wanted the cutting to be visible for some time, just not fade away so I added some pressure.

The first touch of scalpel, felt like nothing; perhaps because I was concentrating on getting it right. But the pain came to me, as it always does, like a rush. I felt almost like flowing on a high and my body ached for me to stop. The skin cracked and my eyes followed the reflection of my moving hand.

It may sound like this was a very spiritual experience to me; it was not. I had a need for the beauty of the star, and a craving of pain.

When the cutting was ready, and a red spot was a fact, I wiped the blood; rubbed ink over it with circulating movements of my hand really trying to get it under my skin.

The colour of my choice being red; made it look like I had a huge round red spot on my chest; looked like I was bleeding out my soul through a big hole.

I took the gauze and wrapped myself up, not wanting to wash the ink-rests of immediately. I guess I thought that if it would stay put on my chest it would somehow affect the final result, perhaps make it more red.

The next morning, I cleaned the area around the cutting very carefully, but not touching the wound and wrapped myself up again. After about two days I allowed myself to a shower. It was already a fine scab on it, healing well.

Instead of irritating it in any way, I just left it alone, leaving it to heal. Because of the ink rubbing I was sure of a good result.

It has been a month, or a month and a half, and I am so happy with my star. It radiates a red shine on my chest and I do not regret it at all. Cutting it was a great experience to me, and I will soon do it again, or so I hope. But it can be a while since I have trouble deciding the design.

My advice to people considering a cutting, is; choose carefully when it comes to a design, you will live with it for some while, please make sure you will not regret it!

And, do you think you can take the pain? It is not an easy thing to do, altering your body in any way.

And ending with a quote I got from reading another experience on BME, which reflects it all;

Pain is beauty; beauty is pain.

Details

submitted by: Anonymous
on: 14 March 2002
in Scarification

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Artist: me
Studio: my+apartment
Location: sweden

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