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third eye star...

About six months ago I decided that I wanted a scarification project. So I started with just some simple research. I asked around to some friends who has scars to find out what they did, how they performed the task, what they did to heal it up, how they were able to build the nerve to cut them self. These were all things I had to find answers to myself. I did some more research on it. I realized that I had gotten into more than I expected. So I decided maybe I should have someone cut for me. But then I decided against that. If I couldnt do this on my own, then I wouldn't want someone to do this on me. so I went out and bought the materials I needed. That was a lot of fun. walking into the surgical supply store with purple hair and flat out asking for some scapels. The guy behind the counter just looked at me funny. When he asked what I needed them for I said a small project. He showed me all the types of scapels they had, but I knew that I would need either a 10 or 11 blade because that was the blade that i knew i could handle on my skin. So after buying a half a dozen individually wrapped, gamma steriziled blades, I went home to gawk at my purchases. I tried to imagine how it would feel to cut into myself, and how much blood to anticipate. Then I pack everything away in a paper bag for later, when I had more nerve to cut. a few weeks later I decided that I wanted a star on my chest, inbetween my cleavage. There was a flat enough area for a star about the size of a quarter. After I showered and cleaned the skin with rubbing alcohol and betadine I sat on my bed in a towel thinking of cutting. I spread out all of my materials and assembled the blade. without even drawing a design on my chest i started to cut a ten line star out-line on my chest. It was small and slightly bloody. The first few lines I cut didnt draw blood, so i held the skin taught and cut in again. I cut just barely enough to seperate the skin, and drew the blade across the skin three times before moving to another line. After I had cut the full outline, I cleaned the area with some guaze and rubbing alcohol. It stung, and I started to bleed again. So I covered the cut with some gauze, taped it onto my chest and went on with my day.
The next day I cleaned the area with betadine and let it air out. The day after that i decided to cut again. This time a bit deeper. I went set up the same way. Cleaned the skin. Sat on my bed. But this time I drew the outline so i could tell where to cut exactly. I went over some of the weaker lines from the first cutting but dismissed the weaker ones on my chest. With cutting deeper I had some more blood. it started to drip down my chest and onto my towel. But I continued cutting until i was satisfied with what i had done. I cleaned and covered the cut once more and went to work. it started to hurt a bit, but it wasnt as painful as i thought it would have been.
After about three days I noticed it was fading more than I wanted it to. So I decided to cut again. I set out new blades and started the same way i had before. A nice sense of deja vu you might say. This time I decided I wanted to add something more to what I had started. so free hand I cut the outline of an eye into my chest. Between the lower points of the star. once again going over the star outline. there was more blood, but it was worth it. I started with the bottom line of the eye and worked up. it wasnt that painful, but it was bloody. I bandaged myself up and went on my merry way. That nite I cleaned my chest off and I rebandaged myself. I was still pretty bloody. But when I woke up the next morning i was fine. The star is still healing, and i'm probably going to cut once more. But i'm going to wait until i'm fully healed up to cut.
I'm not sure of my reasoning behind cutting myself. I didnt intend harm. I'm not chronically depressed. But i did find a lot of comfort within the cutting itself. Part of me felt a bit more complete with every stroke of the blade. I wouldnt suggest cutting for everyone. I mean. I have my own tattoos, and a variety of piercings that can suffice. But this was something i wanted to do for myself. to prove that I could in a sense. It's not something I plan on showing to the world, but it's something special to me. And for that I'm happy with the experience.


submitted by: Anonymous
on: 14 March 2002
in Scarification

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Artist: i+did+it...
Studio: my+bedroom...
Location: buffalo%2C+new+york

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