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rebirth: starting over again leaving everything behind but scars

I can't help but at time, remember how angry I was and how there was no worse point in my life, than then. I was horribly depressed but mostly angry. Angry everyone, everything but mostly at myself. I felt incredibly deserted. It was almost as if there was nobody out there in the world that gave a damn. Things had been falling apart in that point in time of my life – so quickly. I lost family. I lost friends. I lost my dignity. Frankly, all I had left was my physical self and physical possessions which didn't mean too much. Life can't be survived all on my own as I saw it. No matter how many possessions I had in my hands or in my house, without people, it seemed like I was walking through a pit of disaster and it would never go away. Before, it was so settled and comfortable. I never knew things were as good as they were until I lost it all. I never took the time to appreciate my friends, my family, or any part of my life at all. Everything broke down to the point that I cou ldn't think straight. I couldn't talk to my family without blowing up or fighting. I had no one to talk to, nobody to fall back on. I had nothing better to do but think. Think about this disgusting state I had brought myself into.

I'd lock myself inside my room at every chance I could with a single lit candle. I'd sit endlessly staring off at it with so much stored emotion - especially negativity. What I saw within this flame used to be beauty, power, and strength. I'd be able to see beautiful creatures and life inside of it, but it became nothing. Inside this fire, what I always could see was a phoenix. It was beautiful and I believed it was my element guardian. To me, it was what were a motivation and an inspiration and when I had lost it; there almost wasn't anything there anymore. I was beginning to loose hope, but one night, I could see it again. I never wanted to loose it again and wanted to have it with me, always.

This realization of the strength this symbol had to me, changed everything. It kept me going, and it acted as an inspiration for me. In the end, it allowed me to find the power and will inside of me, to change myself and work at rebuilding myself. This image which was constantly burning inside my eyes gave me exactly what I needed to get myself back to a calm and relaxed state. It allowed me to fix myself, as well. Without seeing this, I don't think I could have made it through without it. At that time, so many of my thoughts were so negative. They involved pain and revenge. Without this, I could have gone straight off the edge.

As I became more and more stable with myself and my life began to fall into place, this symbol of a phoenix became more dominant in my life. I discovered I could naturally draw this in several styles, and eventually, I decided I wanted it on me. The thought of a tattoo though, didn't appeal to me but during my own research years ago I had read about scarification and ink rubbings used in African tribes. An old friend of mine who was interested in such procedures helped me with more research and eventually, I decided an ink rubbing was exactly what I wanted. It was difficult to find a place that would do it, so in the end, my friend did it. He had done many on himself and they turned out beautifully and he was passionate about body modification. He had the right tools so I thought I might as well let him do so, as he had already done many on himself.

The night of the procedure was a natural high. The excitement flooded my body and the thought consumed my mind. I drew out the design in a Celtic/tribal fashion with the words "rebirth" in Chinese within the body out for him, and he redrew it to paper, then to my body. The bird was absolutely symmetrical besides the Chinese in the middle, with it's head facing upwards and the wings flaming, fully expanded. Everything about it was perfect to me. The flames symbolized life and strength to me, and the phoenix being my element guardian.

I got the whole thing done, within a span of about 2 hours and the feeling was one of the most amazing, ever. The initial cuts were painful but it acted as a release of all the emotion inside of me. It drained out all the hatred and sadness and left behind the beauty of something that got me through all the disasters of my life. It was a constant reminder of not only of how capable I was on my own and the strength I had inside of me, but the crap I did to get myself in that situation. It kept me away from turning back and returning to what I had been before. "Rebirth" written inside of it also meant a lot, because growing past what I had done –was- a rebirth for me. It gave me a fresh start on my life and it was a second chance.


submitted by: Anonymous
on: 02 Jan. 2002
in Scarification

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