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Razorblades and Incense...

 Ever since I was little, I've thought pierced, tattooed and scarred people were just so beautiful, and I'm determined to become one of those people.  My parents aren't too keen on the idea, but what they can't see won't get me in trouble.  They've let me get my nostril pierced so far, but thats all I've managed to get out of them.  I mentioned gettin a scar and they looked at me like I have two heads, so I stopped beggin and just decided that I'd do it myself.  I used to be what my shrinks call a cutter, so its not like I don't totally enjoy makin myself bleed.  I've always thought my old scars are really awesome looking, and when people ask me about them I just gettin taken back to the moment I did them and what I was thinking.  They remind me of things.  They're like a timeline of my life mapped out on my forearm.  The whole world can see, but I alone know their meanings.   
 So last night I started up my old habits of cutting, except this time it was with an objective, not just to cause pain and release my anguish. I had been planning for weeks what I'd do, and I decided on this logo that I had designed as my 'trademark' when I was in middle school.  Its really cool actually.  Anyways...time to gather the materials.  Helpful tip for anyone, its much easier to get the razorblades out of replaceable blades, not disposable razors (trust me).  I finally get the blade out and somehow (not sure how I managed it), I sliced my finger wide open.  Didn't hurt, the blade was so sharp I didn't feel it.  Ten minutes later that little mess was bandaged and taken care of...now, on to the task at hand. 
 Checklist: razorblades, guaze pads, paper towels, and some animicrobial crap my piercer gave me when I got my nostril pierced to use as disinfectant.  I decided to put it on my thigh, right above my knee since I hardly ever wear skirts and they are always ankle length when I do. So no one would see it and stick me back in the mental hospital. I drew my 'logo', and placed it on my lap ( I was sitting on my bed). I turned it upside down so when I was standing it would be right side up (pretty genius huh?).  Time to make the cut...deep breathe, you've experienced worse pain.  It won't be so bad... 
 Press down and drag.  Didn't even feel it, but boy the blood started to flow in about 5 seconds.  Seeing the blood and the little sting of the skin being seperated gave me such a rush that the pain was great. I went over each line a few times, and then I spied the incense on my dresser.  It was probably a stupid thing to do but oh well! So I lit up the little cone incense and let it burn down while I added details to my cutting.  It burned down to a very fine, powdery ash.  I dabbed my finger in the pile of ash, and rubbed it into the fresh wounds.  That didn't hurt either.  So after a few minutes of irritation, I went in the bathroom to wash it up.  Little soap, some scrubbin (tryin for as much irritation as possible, I don't scar easily).  Back to the bedroom, tape it up with some guaze, and proceed to the living room to watch TV with my mom and pretend like I'm not up to anything.  
 I couldn't stop thinkin about cuttin! So I went back in to my room after a half hour of fighting it, and I cut some more (luckily I had two blades  cuz I had thrown the first out).  I spent a good hour or so cutting and goin over and over them to make them wide and deep.  I sat and rubbed it for a few minutes with paper towels, partly to irritate is as much as I could (and it felt great), and partly to wait until it stopped bleeding.  I knew if I put gauze on it now I'd have blood dripping dowm my leg in a few minutes, so I just sat and kept dabbing at it until it slowed down.  
 After it stopped bleeding, I sat and marveled at its beauty for quite a while. I was amazed I had done such a good job.  What I hadn't anticipated though was that the next day (today) I had a performance to do and I was sweatin my ass off on stage.  It stung like a bitch.  But I got home and cleaned it and it's all better now.  It's raised from all the irritation so I can feel its shape through my pants, its kinda cool.   If your thinking about givin yourself a scar, go for it.  I couldn't imagine gettin it done in a shop (although it might be safer) because its something so personal and I got such a rush out of doing it myself.  I'm plannin on doing another one soon, but I'm not sure what of.  Any ideas anyone? ;-)


submitted by: Anonymous
on: 02 Jan. 2002
in Scarification

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Artist: me+and+TOOL
Studio: my+bedroom
Location: Florida

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