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my brands

.Once when i was twenty years old i was hitchiking through colorodo.I happened to be about 6 monthes pregnant at the time.I was really stressed out and had benn doing a lot of hiking and what not.I hadnt been feeling good so i decided to go lay down in this field off the highway. By nightfall i was in so much pain i needed and ambulance to come get me.. I didnt know what the hell was wrong with me..About thirty minutes later they gave me a emergency c- section. My son was born weighing about 2 pounds. When they brought me out of anestesia to say goodbye they told me he probably wouldnt make it. I named him and then they took him on a helicopter about 5 hours a way to the next biggest town. I had to stay there for about a week i had lost alot of blood and was really weak.When i got there and saw him for the first time. I was in shock here was the tinyest little person id ever seen. I though he was perfect.I staid with him day and night in a rocking chair next to his incubate r.The nurses figured out that id been sleeping on the hospital grounds. They hooked me up with a place to stay. Alot of them tried to convince me to give him up for adoption. They didnt think a person like me could take care of him.They thought i was fucked up my lifestyle as well.I had no family and no house. They thought my tattoos and the like were some sort of sign that i was a bad person. I stayed there for as long as i could. I would hitchike or take a bus to washington state 3x trying to get a house ready for us. and i did
a full size school bus with a wood stove and a garden. I would sit in the drivers seats staring into the woods hoping hed be here soon to. I worked really hard to prove myself to these people. They werent going to release him to me till they thought i was stable.The whole tine thought they would say how hard it was going to be to raise him. how many problems he would have. He later developed signs of cerebal palsey due in part im sure to the high levels of oxegen at birth. He was a fighter though and he got a little better and a little bigger each month. He was finally ready to go when he reached 5 pounds. I took him home on greyhound which was so scarey being all alone without the doctors. He was on a heart montor for a while to. We finall made it b bus then ferry. we got into a pattern he and i that first night was wonderful just him and me and a little fire in our stove and all that nature shit outside. i would landscape for money or work trade for shit we needed. He was getting worse as time went on though.The tremors and seizures wrwere worse everyday.The caffeine shots he needed made him cranky and mad. Aftrer all the fight he put up he finally died in his sleep one morning.That was the single most horrible thing to happen i can not explain the sense of loss and confusion i felt.As per th law there he was immeadiatley taken for autopsy.They ruined his little body just to tell me that he died of sids or heart failure. He was cremated then.I fucking lost it for awhile.After some time i took his ashes to the cliffs where i lived. just he and i.I had a small fire and a mirror.I used a small ash branch to make 6 small dots over my eyebrows after each strike i would rub his ashes into my burns.It may sound gross to you but it was somehting li felt like i neede to do.I never got to say goodbye to him and this was a way or carring him with me for a little longer. Its been a while now and the pain is not so vivid any more. I met my husband 2 years ago here in chat. Hes a wonderful man who takes care of me and i hope he feels the same of me. we are due to have a baby in march.im so exicted. I feel like ive moved on and im ready for a new start i think we both are. We have a good life together.Its so fucked up crazy the way life is and the way things happen for no reason. i think if ive learned any thing from my experiance its that things cant get much worse and they do get better.i miss my son but hes a part of my flesh and i take a lot of comfort in that.


submitted by: Anonymous
on: 23 Nov. 2001
in Scarification

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