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Blinding Hope.....

"Sometimes the only way to stay sane is to go a little bit crazy." I'd like to tell you that I'm like every other person.... but I can't. I'm not like you. I don't think I will ever be.... I don't want to be. My insanity, is special to me, it is the only thing that I can ever claim as my own. I treasure that time. Some people say that I wasted 5 years, but in those years I grew to know myself more than ever. When I was in 8th grade my parents got divored. Everyone went ape shit over it. I was fine with it. My mom thought I needed help so she tried to get me to go to some ther Theorapist........ I didn't need it and they proved me right. I acted like any normal kid would, on the outside, inside was a different story. I was falling apart and I didn't know why.... I needed something to take my pain away..... I turned to stupid shit, sticking safety pins in my hand. Anything I could get my hands on I would sick into my hands. It seemed to help... A year went by and things were really starting to brighten up for me again I was being a normal person. Life was good... until about last year.... I was told by a good friend that I was suffering from depression, and that I might be bipolar. That didn't mean shit to me. It didn't matter, all that mattered was that I was in pain. I turned to cutting as a source of release. It felt good. But I was hooked... Most of my cuts healed and left no scar. My breaking point came one day when I just couldn't go on anymore I decided to slit my wrist. I was working with a very crude tool, I grabbed a sharp screwdriver that was lying on my dresser and dragged it across my skin. Over and over until I had a nice deep cut. It didn't hurt, it was all very surreal. I never finished my plot because I broke down into tears and eventually fell asleep. I treasure that scar still. After that again things seem to turn around. I was happy again. I had never expierenced such happiness. It was amazing. I was completely happy for about a year and a few months. I enjoyed every moment. I could do things and experience people in a new light. That was not to last..... A few months ago that feeling came over me. Cutting myself became the object of my desire. I mainly stuck with lines and shit, but it was mine. I didn't want to feel like this anymore and I felt the only way to cleanse myself of my pain was to create something to represent it. I broken up with my bf and had been thru some tough shit with some of my closest friends, and my best friend had moved 5 states away. They all had hurt me. I picked a simple star as my symbol. It will always be. I didn't have any razors so I picked a more agonizing method, safety pin. I gathered my pin, bactine, candles, tissues, and a picked a spot in my room to do it. I turned on MTV2 and put it on low. I cleaned my pin as best as I could and prepared myself for this. Each line I created would represent a different thing that had hurt me. I dragged the pin in the star shape, going over each line at least 10 times going deeper and deeper. Blood came forth but I made no attempt to wipe it way. Finally after a while I was done, and I wiped it down with bactine again. The pain was there but I didn't feel it, I was in that zone that most people speak of. I figured that I wanted something that would scare well, so I took my pin and held it over the flame of one of my candles. Then I pressed it into my skin, creating perfect lines. I did that for each line until I was satified with it. I cleaned it up and put a bandaid for the first few days just to prevent it from getting infected. It turned to a very nice scar, which was a light pink. Now it is a light light pink and you have to look closely but it's there. Everytime I look at my scar I look at it will a loving gaze. It means so much to me. No one will ever be able to understand my pain. Personally my favorite movie is Girl, Interrupted. I feel a deep connection with them. I hope someday I will be able to share what this means to me openly, but until then it is my secret. I do have a fear of being sent off to a mental hospital. I know I'm sane now. I just have my own way of dealing with things. I've felt as if a weight has been lifted off me since I let go of everything I was holding in with my star. I would like to conclude that I'm not a proffesion and my methods are not in any way safe. I think that it is sad that people try to cut themselves for the attention that they get. Cutting is very personal. Never never never ever cut yourself with out realizing the consequences. I understood and still went thru with it. People need to realized that unlike a piercing this stays with you for all your life, and it is a part of you. Well I have quite a bit of living to catch up on.... Please take care all, much luv~


submitted by: Anonymous
on: 04 Oct. 2001
in Scarification

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Artist: myself
Studio: my+hell+hole+of+a+room....
Location: hell...

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