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thigh star

since i was about 16, in, oh, 10th grade or so, i've been experimenting with cutting myself. usually it was because i felt pretty bad and i had heard that cutting would help things by releasing endorphins and such. also, i was simply fascinated by the idea. i never had any good razors on hand, so i would usually just use a pocketknife. it made shallow cuts and only left light scars, which was good because i didn't want people to see them. i remember when i had first started doing it, i made the mistake of cutting on my lower arm. the people in my physical science class noticed it and asked me why i had done it. i was pretty embarrassed and didn't really know what to say, so i mumbled something lame about having been bored. they looked at me like i was a psycho. after that, i tried to limit my cuttings to my shoulders, upper arms and legs. it had been quite a while since the last time that i had cut myself. then, last sunday night, i just felt very incomplete and empty, like i was needing something badly and couldn't figure out what. i'd smoked out earlier that day, but it hadn't helped much at all, and the sack was almost gone so i didn't try that again. i took some Tylenol Pm's to help me sleep, but i still was too wound up. finally, i decided to try cutting again. for awhile i'd been meaning to give myself a cool scar, so i thought that this might be a good opportunity. i wanted a simple five pointed star, but i wasnt sure where to put it. i didn't want anyone to see it unless i felt i was ready to share it with them, so i put it on my upper thigh. even if i wore swimming trunks or boxers, it still wouldn't be visible. it took me awhile to find the right tool for the job. first i tried a modified disposable bic razor my friend had given me, but it was awkward to use and its moisture bar kept decomposing on me and my leg. after it succeeded in getting only a few good strokes in, i threw it away. next, i tried the dull blade in my nail clipping kit, which i had used in the past. it had gotten even more dull than before, and barely raised a welt. frustrated with the items in my bathroom, i went out to the kitchen and tried to use a serrated steak knife, but i suppose my technique must have been wrong, because it didn't do shit. frustrated,i returned to my room, almost ready to give up until tommorrow when i could go out and buy some razors, when the thought occurred to me to try the Swiss Army Knife i had gotten for christmas last year. i rifled around my room and finally found it, and then took about 5 frustrating minutes getting the various blades out. unfortunately, none of them seemed to work. at best, they left extremely shallow cuts and lacerations with alot of effort. i brainstormed a bit more, searched around the house, and finally decided on using a pink pocketknife i found in a cupboard. for some reason, it's blade was sharper than the ones on my swiss army knife. i started to trace out the star in the pattern that i learned as a little kid, only drawing up and angry red line of irritated skin. then i traced it again, cutting deeper, feeling my skin slide apart under the touch of the blade and watching the red pools well up along the lines. it was really cool. after i had gone over the star twice, i cut a few more times along the areas that looked incomplete. the star ended up with some points being a lot longer than others and looking slightly lopsided, but that was ok. i then cleaned the cutting with a paper towel, let the blood well up again, and took an imprint of it with another paper towel. that part was really neat, looking at the star on my leg and its bloody reflection on the paper towel. i took a couple of pictures with my camera, cleaned it again, and staunched the flow of blood with the napkin. as the Tylenol began to kick in, i felt a peaceful feeling go thru me. over the next few days it faded a bit, so i think i'm going to go over it again soon and see if i can't make it deeper, since it is still pretty shallow. all in all, it was a good experience.

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submitted by: Anonymous
on: 04 Sept. 2001
in Scarification

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Artist: me+myself+and+i
Studio: my+bathroom+and+bedroom
Location: central+georgia

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