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Scarring myself

Well, I've been reading other people's experiences for a month or so, and I finally decided to share my own. I don't have many body modifications - just two ear piercings and one tattoo, - although I want many many more, and the reason is, like always, my parents. I will never have a tattoo done, or piercing, or whatever, without telling them, because they have the unpleasant habbint of somehow finding out about things, and then everything gets worse. So, until I feel strong enough to speak with them about this again (which, trust me, isn't easy at all, and I always end up crying in my room for hours, and I don't usually cry about anything... except when talking with them), I will have to imagine everything I want on my body, instead of seeing it. Anyway, I have heard the word 'scarification' twice, I think, before finding BME website, and I didn't know exactly what it meant. I have several scars on my body from accidental cuts, and I've always liked them, and somehow I decided I wanted to scar myself. This was something different, not a tattoo, and I didn't want to tell my parents about it - mainly because I just can't imagine what can happen if I tell them, but I know it's going to be horrible, and they won't even understand how bad I feel. So, I decided to cut on my belly, where it'd be hidden even by my bikini, if I happen to go with them on the beach. I thought about this a little, and I didn't want just several random cuts. I wanted something beautiful - since I've had that tattoo done, I always imagine beautiful patterns drawn on my skin. I didn't search for an idea, it just came to me suddenly, without thinking, and it was perfect: an anarchy symbol. I've always thought it's extremely stupid to write a name of a person or a band or something like that on one's body, and I still think I'll never do this. With this symbol, I felt different, because I didn't wanted it for what it means, but for the way it looks. I find it extremely pretty. Still, I'm an anarchist (though not a punk), which makes me feel even more comfortable with the scar. I can sit and talk for hours, I suppose, explaining how wonderful it is to have something, symbolising one's phylosophy cut in one's skin, but still I can't fool myself, and I know I did it just because I thought it's beautiful. Everything else is just a bonus. I decided to cut with a razor blade, just because it's the sharpest thing I have - I admit I stole it from one of my friends' bathroom, but I'm sure nobody'd miss it. And I just did it. Only several hours after deciding what I wanted to do. I waited until everybody else were asleep.Then I half sit - half laid on my bed, with my razor and several paper hankies with me. I started cutting, and I admit that for a stranger, everything'd seem wrong - the three straight lines were easy, but the circle was... well, everything but circle, and I was bleeding much more than I had expected, which made me cut more shallow than I wanted, and it was uneven. Still, I loved it, I loved everything about it. And after it healed, I did it again, and again. I've done it five times in maybe two months, each time I cut deeper on the places where I hadn't cut deep enough before, and made the circle look a little more like a circle. And each time it hurt more and more, I suppose because of the scar, on top of which I was cutting, but I really wanted to do it. And now it's amazing - a very light red, almost pink, a perfect circle and three long straight lines going through it, and I can swear there's no one millimeter thicker or thinner than the other lines. Only several days after my second try to cut it right, I found BME. It was one of the happy coincidences in my life. That's it. Now I have the scar. I don't know how long it'll last before it fades, but I know that if it does, I'll re-do it, and then I'll re-do it again. No matter if I die at the age of 23 or 93, I'll be barried with an anarchy symbol carved in my belly, and this makes me feel a whole person.

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submitted by: Anonymous
on: 24 Aug. 2001
in Scarification

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