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Randomness

Let me begin by telling you a bit about myself. Typical 15 year old kid, divorced family, live with my mom in a small, two-bedroom apartment in a medium-sized town. A few friends, two ex-girlfriends, a dad I see every now and then. Scarification has always fascinated me. Not just the artistic, self-expression type, but the scars the body makes when healing from anything, be it emotional or physical pain. Physical pain is so much easier to deal with than emotional pain, so most of my inner hurt is transferred to the outside so I can deal with it swiftly, cleanly and properly. A scar on my ankle from when I was around 7 and fell on a basketball court and slid, a scar on my hand from when I ran it very hard along a concrete wall just to see what would happen, things like this are what fascinate me. Prior to reading about scars on BME, I never considered that scars could be almost like tattoos, without the ink. Of course, that is just a very simple explanation, but you understand. One night, I acquired a box of razor blades (don't ask.) I went into my bathroom (what is it that compels us all to go to the bathroom for our scars?) and took a single razor blade, wiped it down with alcohol, and made random cuts into my stomach. I made about 200 cuts of various sizes, just slicing over and over into my stomach, breasts, chest and sides. I did some on my shoulders and back, too, but those were very hard to reach places and not accessible enough for what I wanted. When I was done, I looked at myself in the mirror and realzied that I loved the sight of the blood....not too much, though. After smearing the blood around on my stomach and between my breasts and feeling the sting, I got a warm wash cloth and wiped all the blood away. Then, I went over some of the cuts again. Only 10 or 15 of the cuts were really deep and bleeding excessively; and I selected about 20 of the cuts to attempt intentional scarring with. First, I poured rubbing alcohol over my stomach, standing in the shower. That didn't hurt much, so I put it on a rag and rubbed it onto my cuts. It hurt like hell and gave me such an endorphin rush...it also turned me on a little bit. Then, I rubbed salt into them. I kept rubbing until my entire stomach was numb. There was one very large cut on my upper left breast, and I was so enthralled by what it had looked like right after the cut. Just white, skin removed, about 1/10th of an inch into my skin. Deeper than any of the others. I rubbed salt into this one in particular, and was determined to make it scar. It is scarring nicely now, but has yet to heal completely as every now and then I get the urge to pick off the scab and recut along the original line. There is one other scar of similar nature that I did when I was hurting very, very badly inside. I cut my arm, rather deeply, and rubbed salt into it. It is now a bright red scar and looks like it has no intention of fading. It's about 1/16th of an inch wide breaks out a ruler...yep, about 1/16th of an inch, and about 2 inches long. So far, my entire stomach is covered in light brown scars which will soon go away. The brown scars are accentuated with the occasional bright red/pink scar which will most likely be semi-permanent. I almost feel like a hair-dye box: For light to medium brown scars, scratch the surface. For medium brown to dark pink scars, cut deeper. For bright red scars, cut very deep. Right now, I am too young (15) to get any piercings done. It's kind of odd, I won't risk infection or bad placement with a piercing and my logic is that it's permanent. But with scars, I put them anywhere and everywhere and hope to one day be almost covered in them. Not completely covered, just my chest, stomach, breasts and upper arms. I do want to get my septum, labret, nose bridge and upper lip pierced, however. I have a thing for symmetry, except with my scars. I still do this about every other day, just cutting random areas of my body. It is a major stress reliever, makes me feel on top of the world right after I do it, and allows me to talk about difficult issues with people because I know I have something they don't. Something they will never have. My scars are only my scars, no matter who I show them to. They are one of the only things someone cannot take away from me or talk me out of. I have six scars that have meaning to them, the rest are very arbritrarily placed and just beautiful. Anyway, my main focus is making scars. Scars that look like the body healed itself, as the human body is an amazing thing. Thank you for reading, and good luck to you all.

Details

submitted by: Anonymous
on: 01 Aug. 2001
in Scarification

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Artist: me
Studio: my+bathroom%2C+mainly
Location: Texas

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