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this makes me feel so trite...

i entered the house late the other night through the main door leading into our living room. it had been a relatively good night. spent it hanging out with my friend carrie and watching rented movies. the second i crossed the threshold into the framework labeled home (john k samson anyone?), i was presented with reasons to regret my returning...my younger sister, bitching her brains out at me about something...not that she has much to spare...reminders of what's terrible about the world...things missing, lack of control and direction...it's amazing that these are the things i see when i look around my own house. i immediately sensed the plummet of my frail spirits from stable to floor dragging once again. as soon as i realized the goodness had come to an end, i coasted through the living room, turned, and locked myself in the bathroom. i didn't have any particular purpose in mind; seems that scarification has become a mechanical resort. (as i write this, i start to suspect myself as one of those self-mutilating kids who seem so rampant in the world, releasing internal infection through blood and pain. the idea has always seemed a bit trite to me; mostly because of the kids who are simply trying for attention when they speak of such things; because it's cool, or they are attempting to impress someone. the frequency of such encounters has built a callous upon the exterior of my mind that to remove would endanger my mentality as whole. i am currently working on resolving this view. i hate myself for harboring it; i wish i could take other people and perhaps even myself seriously. anyways...i don't remember what my damn point was...) so i was locked in the bathroom...i ran warm bath water and stripped...then some unknown wire in my brain sparked, and i was presented with an idea...i have an older scar on my right knee, of a star....yes, i know, oh-so-typical, but it's simple and pleases me, so please don't stereotype me for it....somthing motivated me to balaance out the situation by doing the same upon my left knee...i opened my sisters drawer of random typical girl thigns and found an unused disposable razor...i popped it apart with my teeth (i have a disturbing amount of experience doing this, so have become quite profecient at it) and pulled out the two razor blades formerly embedded within the rubber and plastic. with the water still running, i climbed into the bathtub and sat down. not even bothering to comtemplate my action or prepare myself, i raised my knees to within a few inches of my face and pressed the razor to the smooth flesh. i drew it backwards towards myself and was rewarded with a welling of red which i wiped away impatiently and continued on, intent upon my work...the few minutes passed like seconds...in no time at all, i had a bleeding star upon my knee, and i don't remember feeling a thing...in retrospect, the rashness of this action seems amazing and almost dangerous at the same time...as i was lacerating myself, the boundaries of my universe were reset to the immediate...i was aware only of myself, the warmth of the water, and the splitting of my skin...still fueled by some yet unknown force which i assume to be either my own anger/irritation or simple artistic inspiration, i decided to make both into nautical stars. again without contemplation i laid the razor's edge to my skin, delighting in the release of scarlet. i was so absorbed in my work that i didn't notice as the still water around me slowly turned to a block of transparent, rose tinted marble, growing darker by the minute. every few seconds i would rub a plastic sponge over the area to clean away the blood that seemed to be visually impeding my work. once complete, i found myself physically exhausted and purged...i dried off and went to bed... the healing so far has seemed fine...it's not an extremely deep cut, jsut enough to retain a scar...i've been wearing a long skirt for days to avoid revealing them to anyone. i think people will start to get concerned. hopefully they'll scar well. due to thier small size, i am going to extend on them by doing repetitive outlines, eventually covering my entire kneecap. actually, it's about 12 am, and i'm thinking about doing that right now. i'm afraid this is starting to become what might be called a problem. oh well. since i'm manifesting it in a place like this for the benefit of you nice kids, i suppose it can be called constructive.

Details

submitted by: Anonymous
on: 03 July 2001
in Scarification

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Artist: me%2C+myself%2C+and%2For+i%3B+take+your+pick.
Studio: my+bathroom.+where+else%3F
Location: this+little+blight+of+a+town+in+oregon.

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